Be U: Greatest Exam of All

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, December 29, 2014

Greatest Exam of All

I think that I may be living through my greatest 'exam' of all. With the new scleroderma doctor telling me that many scleroderma patients do not have pain and live without pain management; and the new therapist that I just connected to telling me that she doesn't understand why I feel certain ways and most women she knows would not feel the way that I do about certain things, I am not feeling very supported professionally just now. Yes, if he can get me pain free, I am open to it. I'd say hip hip hooray...   If she can get my happy on speaking this way, I am open to it.

I've been extremely lucky for the past 15-30 years hooking up with some awesome doctors. I know this now more than ever. I often told my Rheumatologist of over 30 years that he has saved me many times. I understand now that there have been a lot more times than I truly understood. I have never been told by a therapist that there is no reason for me to feel the way that I do; nor 'should' I.

I am feeling like this just may be a 'gift' for me to 'walk my talk'. To trust my own inner knowing. To KNOW, BELIEVE and PROCEED FORWARD in trusting myself that I know more about how I feel and what is real for me more than any person outside of myself -- To listen to my true inner voice first.

What to do; what to do; what to do then.

As I look up at the sky just now there is a very dark gray sky as the backdrop for the trees. How interesting.

My dogs are barking at the lighting landscapers in the back yard. The trickle of the fountain is annoying rather than soothing.

Hoot! What a test!

What will I do... How will I handle my health concerns... How will I handle me...

Time will tell.   On this exam, the goal is not 100. The goal is to stand completely and lovingly in my own and whole truth.

I am going for a cranial sacral session this afternoon at the Upledger Institute.   I'm anxious and excited to see what comes up for me. This is the company that I was trained by in Cranial Sacral I and II.

If you feel like you, too, are taking a great exam...

May you weather the storm, learn to dance in the rain and bring your truest of true selves with you.

Connect to and Own the wonder of You.   This is my greatest wish for us all.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!