Be U: Tuesday

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Tuesday

The days come and go. The weeks, months, years and even decades pass. They wait for no one.

I have no thoughts or words that I know how to share. I have shared everything in me that I am able and know how.

I am here in this present moment and I have no big action plan.

I have no judgment.

I usually hear myself saying 'let's see what the day brings'.

I am lost between doctors and having medical guidance. I have been under one doctor's care since I was 21 (over 30 years) and, after 3 or 4 years of searching, diagnosed with 'scleroderma'.

I have a new rheumatologist appoint next week. It is my plan to go into his office with openness, open mind and a fresh start. I plan to listen to what he knows and suggests instead of going in to share what I have learned and where I have been and what I have tried.

I do feel like I have stayed mostly on top of the latest drugs and developments where this dis-ease is concerned.

I am starting fresh as this is where I find myself.

I am hurting physically and emotionally where I find myself. I'm scared and uncertain as to what, if any, 'answers' I will find.

My hands are swollen as the weather went from the 90's to the 60's in the last few weeks (these are the extremes) and my mind is frightened of the major change and loss of my connection with the Pennsylvania doctor. We have been through a lot of trying, learning, growing, healing together. I move on as I am no longer in Pennsylvania.

Much has changed in my life these past two years. I am in a different place. My house up north is still for sale so I haven't completely allowed myself to let go of what was.

That house was built with my hands and needs in mind. I now live where door knobs and locks, water spouts and nozzles and not-as-easy every day life things are present.

I know I am okay. I know I will be great. I know I will succeed. I know I will settle in.

Until then, I breathe. I do what life presents to me. I live what I create. I walk on.

May you breathe, do, create and walk on with your awesome self just as you are and just as your life is.

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!