Be U: Laryngitis

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Laryngitis

As I come here against my own great fear, I have experienced some things since I had my 'visit' to my new Rheumatologist here in Florida.

Two of the medicines I was asked to try did not work out as I experienced great itching and laryngitis almost immediately. (Layrngitis can stand for being so angry one cannot speak...per Louise Hay in her book "You Can Heal Your Life".)

I feel confused and saddened that every time I go to use my hands (because that is where my sore thumbs are), I experience a shooting pain and a discomfort that I'd rather not experience.

It is once again Christmas time and I am blessed to have a family that will do much of the decorating while allowing me to put some of my opinions in and they honor me by listening to some of them (ha).

I feel tired to even have a conversation with the doctor. I feel close to giving up as I believed this 'pain' to be behind me since I am now living in the sunshine state; a place I knew I wanted to live in since I was 17... I feel I had it figured out and that I would not get any more sores since I was pretty much sore free for over a year.

I'm mad at myself that I don't feel better and cannot do better than what is my truth for today. I'm resting more, I'm sitting more, I'm more angry at my truth.

I know God/the Universe works on their time, their schedule, their 'knowing'. I know in the big picture these things are not so big. But during the processing of 'it', it feels BIG.

To just wash my hair, hold an IPad, pet my cat, pull up the covers -- OUCH. So, I do my best. I walk on through what is my truth and I allow the ugly feeling of anger. Maybe some day I will allow it and not call it 'ugly'. That would be a good hoot in my book... I remember days when I did not know how to connect to anger because of my belief that it is ugly.

Is it because the temperature has changed even though it is not cold, it is 30 deg F cooler than what it was. It is the stress of moving, the stress of selling my beloved house in not the easiest of circumstances, is it my family all under one roof.... Yes, yes, yes and maybe yes.....?!?!?!

And does it really matter why... I always thought that if I knew the why, I would know the answer.

Perhaps, the unknown why's and the unknown answers are just a part of our human experience. They must be because we all have them.

May you just live in your truth and love yourself through and trust and believe you are right where you are supposed to be and 100% guaranteed - change is coming. So be happy in this moment as best you can and allow this moment to live through you as everything that you are, feel and do.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!