Be U: Whoa

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Whoa

As the winter thaws up north and the pond ice starts to melt, I am told that there are many dead fish coming to float on the top. This saddens me greatly. This is not normal. If I lose one fish over the winter, it is a big deal and the norm. My heart feels the loss. My heart feels sadness. My being feels so sorry for the beautiful fish.

I think when the electricity was off when my home first met destruction back in January, the bubblers were also off and my wonderful, peaceful, and beautiful fish did not have enough oxygen. The expert was there last night pulling many dead fish out of the bogs and he said that they looked like they have been dead for quite some time. This is how I come to the conclusion of the reason of the deceased fish.

It just amazes me how when I no longer wanted to live here, at my beautiful Shambala--my Shambala started destroying itself. It is but a shell of a home in most of the areas and many of my fish didn't make it.

I know I don't feel happy about any of this. I have no words for how I feel. A description of my feelings would be for naught. A description of my feelings cannot really convey the true depth of what is inside of me. I only can sit with what is. I can only live with what is. I can only process what is.

I have and choose to be unable to look at pictures; unable to visit the home. I am so grateful I have trustworthy and loving people there breaking it down to where it no longer looks like my presence occurred there. It certainly cannot feel like my full presence was even ever there.

I believe there is a reason for all of this. I believe I have to be learning greatness from this great loss. I know who I was is no longer who I am. I'm certain this experience of such great loss has something to do with it. It is great loss and yet, I still have my loved ones. I still have me. I still AM.

So, I learn to be who I am as I am today. I learn to share who I am as I am today. I learn to be with who I am as I am today.

May you 'learn on' and stand strong in hope, love and trust of self; in trust of the Universe and trust of what you know is true for you. May you trust in your Creator, God, Allah, Jesus -- whatever gives you the most peace of whatever/whoever is the truth of who you are. May you continue to believe in the good of life.

Steve Vaugh, Artist

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!