Be U: Schooled

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Schooled

This is a deep, tricky, not so easy 'exploration' for me. (like the previous nonsense part is easy... not)

I hear myself telling myself I am so being schooled. I am being taken to school.

My friend asked me what I meant by this when I shared this thought with her.

I am going to go 'here' and see what I end up with.

Where to begin...

I am living in a small apartment. I have many material things in storage, in Florida, in Pennsylvania. I had brought few clothes here as I wasn't going to be here long. I don't get out much by choice. I found a house I want to live in and it is a foreclosure and being sold only by an auction house. This is something that scares me, makes me uncomfortable and I do not know this auction world nor is there a drive in me to learn it.  When I do go out, the limited clothing disallows me to put on my old persona that I would always take with me when I would go 'out on the town'. I have maybe 10 inches between a piece of furniture and my bed to walk sideways and bypass to get into bed. The other side has probably the same amount of space between the wall and the bed. I cannot take my dogs out easily continuously throughout the day and let them run and be free.   They no longer have dog door access. I need to leash them and walk them. Little Bear is hiding under the chair so she doesn't have to get her leash on because all of their life we were fortunate to have a big, beautiful fenced in back yard. I no longer live in a 'resort home' that I built and named 'Shambala' - a place of peace and harmony for all living creatures.

All signs point to who is Lisa without all the stuff. I had so much 'energy' and 'strength' around being what my home was, being what I dressed like, what I could do with money. A big part of who I was was to share what I had. This is what made me feel secure and loving. I am being shown to know who I am without all this 'stuff', comfort, ease and surrounding beauty; to feel secure within myself not with what is going on outside of myself.

I am being touched by many different walks of life. I'm being challenged out of my comfort zone.   I'm learning that what I share, the love that I feel and the honor I express is who I am. It is what matters most.

Yes, in my humanness, I find it extremely satisfying to surround myself with things that make me comfortable; that make me happy; that reflect what I feel on the inside. Yet, this is not what makes me who I am.

I struggle here with the words.   I struggle with having more material things than some. I struggle with I am worthy, strong and powerful without these things also. I can be average and be great.   I can be great and not over achieve. There is love and disaccord in all walks of life.

I have learned to do my best in every aspect in the course of my life.   I have learned to acquire nice things I truly enjoy. I have learned that I am kind and caring because it is who I am.   I am innately open that all people are good.   Even when they show me they are not, I know that there is good inside of themselves. It is the human experiences that change us; alter us; direct us.

If we know we are lovable - we share love.   If we do not know the true and ultimate value of our self and, in fact, believe we will never matter, be productive, or be able to do 'right', we share this in all sorts of hurtful and unhelpful ways.   We cannot help but to.

So, my answer to my girlfriend when asked what does being schooled mean to me, my answer was "I'm being schooled to put myself first and that I can walk through anything that is fearful to get something I want. I'm being schooled to learn that I am strong in who I am no matter what."

No one knows or cares what is going on in my life or what is better for my life than I. I want to live this way openly and lovingly and support all of you to do the same.

Let's all go to this school.   It is time. It is imperative. It is the kindest thing we can do for each other and our world. I believe. Love yourself first and know that if you bring this 'self' with you wherever you go; whatever you do; whoever you are with - you stand strong within sharing the love of yourself (and all of life) without.

Huge.   I am now mentally exhausted....   I walk on in allowance.

Tajamul Pervez Sheikh, Facebook

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!