Be U: When Fear Knocks

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

When Fear Knocks

I've heard the saying 'when fear knocks at your door; open the door and no one will be there.'

When fear knocks at my door - when I am brave enough to open the door (go through the fear - do whatever it is I fear anyway) nothing is there. The fear dissipates almost, if not, completely.

When I walk through the fear, fear is no longer prevalent or controlling me. It seems the thought of something is where the fear resides.  In the actual doing of something, fear loses its power.

Even the thought of doing things I don't really want to do; the thought is almost always worse than the actual doing. The energy I spend on thinking about doing or having something done is really not worth the energy.

Just like writing this post. It's taking me a while; it's taking extra energy because I still have a hard time admitting how I'm truly feeling at times. So, let's let that go and see where I end up.

So, when the thought of walking my dog in the cold or having to clean up after people within their schedule or deal with too many contractors, or having to organize my in bin; when I spend time thinking about how I don't want to do this; the burden of it gets heavier and heavier on me.   But, if I just let go and do them, actually doing them is not quite as bad as I thought it would be (majority of the time anyway).

When I have a fear of leaving my sick dog alone or my daughter alone at home (Oh my, what if she needs me to help her with something as serious as getting her a bottle of water), --stay-at-home mom don't forget-- if I just get in my car and drive; I'm okay. It's amazing how once I am in the car - it's super easy. I KNOW that my dog is fine for a period of time. I KNOW my daughter can get her own bottle of water. However, that transition between knowing I'm going to leave and walking out the door - there is a fight within me. A should I - shouldn't I battle.  Oh my, I'm still using that 'should' word.

When I ask myself what is going to make me most happy and I do that - all is good. When I worry about the dog or my daughter or anything other than my happy - OH CAN I FIND THE TURMOIL WITHIN.

I vow to keep going after my 'happy'. I think we were all born with our 'happy' intact. I think that maybe I was trained or coerced or guilted into losing that 'happy' on different levels and being and doing what others around me requested or needed me to do.  We somewhat lose our 'happy'.

Why am I spending my energy on the fear or discomfort I'm telling myself I'll feel by doing these things. When, most of the time, when I just do it - it's not really a big deal.

Good question. No answer.  Sit with it for a while, I suppose!   Could this be why alot of us keep going and don't stop to feel or check in with ourselves. It can be an unsettling place. I'm somewhat unsettled right now!

Anything about the thought of fear and the actual doing something resonating with you? If we all jumped out of an airplane, would this change the world? ha.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!