Be U: Cold

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Cold

COLD. People that know me know that this is one of my least favorite things, subjects, feelings. I do not like the cold. My circulation seems to get very slow to my extremities and I'm pretty uncomfortable. My hands and feet turn purple. I lose tissue on my fingertips if I stay in this state too long.

The weather is turning colder here in the Northeast United States. I love the beauty of the colors of the leaves; it's such a magical time. Red, orange, yellow against the blue sky - there is nothing like it! Probably if I ever did move to a warmer climate year round - this would be the one season I would miss.  However, I do not like what it means. It means winter is coming and without the sun for days and the freezing cold - it's tough for me. This is what my mind believes because more than not this has been the truth for me for most of my life.

There was one year when I was jogging through and around the ice and piles of snow.  I remember this and it was fun. I wonder how I did that?!? My mind and body were telling me different than what I experienced most winters. I wonder if I can have my mind and body work that way this winter. I guess the excitement and anticipation and dread is starting for me already.

I remember telling my masseuse one Fall that my 'backyard was closed'. That's when I realized in my mind my backyard was already closed. Didn't realize this was a reality for me just because of the thought. That was an aha moment for me. My backyard closed - wow - just a belief and it was very real and true for me.  Was it really closed - no.

As I sit here, my toes are numb and my fingers are a very low scream and it's only in the 50s.  I realize the drastic change in the temperature and my body do not get along very well. It takes me a bit to adapt.

I love breathing the cool fresh air; I love when I feel invigorated by it; I love putting on my Uggs. I do not like the lack of sunshine for days, wearing big heavy coats, shivering and freezing. How weird is it that my hands are responding and the fingers are turning a bit purplish as I think this. HOW STRONG ARE OUR MINDS! Wow.

I started writing this with hesitation and thinking I was probably not going to 'publish' it. I'm still not sure where I'm going with it; if anywhere. This hits 'home' for me completely. It's probably my biggest battle.

OK, I now have many more 'tools' to think differently; do differently. Fear of not feeling well; of suffering; of not living my life fully plays a really big part for me. I know I can be in control of the temperature of my body. I will take this thought with me as I continue on into the colder months. I hope I can keep it with me anyway!

Is there something small/big/in between that you would like to change/enhance/delete from your thinking? Is it possible if we really, truly are ready to change our thought pattern and do it differently we can think and do it differently to be a happier, healthier human being?

I know one psychologist said that just by changing how we do things automatically - like putting our right leg into our pant leg first or drying our backs first when getting out of the shower -- if we do things like that differently there is a momentum that changes and that alone can maybe be a start towards more awareness and change. Maybe it doesn't hurt to try it? You know I did and still do at times!

Make it a great day for you! Notice how you automatically just do things and maybe change one way or another the way you do it. Have fun playing! Perhaps, change it up some just because you can.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!