Waking up

I find pain waking me up from sleeping.  My finger tips are starting to 'talk' to me in discomfort and disagreement.  My muscles are feeling too tight and uncomfortable.  My breathing is a little heavier.  My patience is not being too cooperative.

My one finger is unable to type because it won't allow any pressure on it at all without hurting. 

I woke up with the window open and noticed I loved breathing the fresh air.  I also realized the cold air is what is making my body want to shut down; shrink so to speak. 

Every winter I say to myself how I can't believe the cold can have such an affect on me.  Well, this year I want to tell myself 'get over it already,  please.  For more than 30 years, the winter has had a huge affect on me and that is just the way it is'.  Accept what is.  See how far this acceptance thing goes with me this time.

I don't want to feel this way and, right now, I don't have the option of not feeling this way.  What is a woman to do!  Running from myself is not an option.  Changing the way I feel doesn't seem to be an option. 

The best I can do is try to find some comfort and joy and so this is what I'll do for now.  I'll love, share, connect and keep moving forward as best I can.  I'm sad and it's okay.

I sit here sort of paralyzed feeling like this post is all just a 'crock'.  So unimportant.  So invaluable.  Am I feeling unimportant; unvaluable?  Perhaps the part of me with scleroderma is.  mmm interesting.

Something to work with, I suppose.

What's important and valuable about yourself?  I hope you have a nice long, easy to put together list! 

My list:  Kind; Generous; Open; Honest; Intelligent; Love of Life;  (it's a start, yes)  ha.

Run

I feel myself trying to run from myself and get away.  However, no matter where I go; there I am.....

Just Being

A day of just being - just living with what is.  Do not know what else to do.  Tired.  Bored.  Don't want to do what I'm doing.  Want things to be different and don't know how to make them be.  Don't know how to just accept it as it is other than just being.

All is as it needs to be in my world.  All is the way it's supposed to be.  I just believe this because I feel best when I think this way for today.   All is fine in my world.  I totally believe it even if I don't totally love it.

Acceptance goes a long way for me today.  It's okay if I don't know anything else.  It's okay that I feel what I feel.  It's okay that I think like I'm thinking.  All is right in my world.

I hope all is right in your world too. 

Time Goes By

Whether I hurt and am in discomfort or feel okay and ready to roll, time keeps going.  Life goes on.  Moments pass.  Love conquers.

What?? ha.

I'm achy and uncomfortable today and do not want to have to admit it again.  Feel scattered and unfocused.  My body is screaming and wants to stretch.  Ahh, there's a thought.  Maybe stretching might help.  I'm going to try it right now.......

That felt nice and from being upside down, I am dizzy.  Oh, yes, this is what my body is asking for today.  Openness and flexibility.  Awareness.

Are you listening to your body today? 

Sweet 16

Today is my daughter's 16th birthday.  Time can seem to go fast and my child is certainly one of my greatest loves.  She certainly is one of my greatest teachers.  I hope she chooses to 'dance' (or ride a horse) whenever she can choose.  I told her "I Hope You Dance' song is my greatest wish for her always.  I think its by LeAnn Rimes.

So, I put my best foot forward and be happy and help to participate in making it a special day for her.  It's a day to celebrate who she is; what she stands for; and what she means to others.

I am proud of her; I am challenged by her and I am in awe of her.

Happy Sweet Sixteen Beautiful Girl!  Follow your 'knowing'!

Love always and Forever, Mom

Don't Know How

I am not having the best day today.  My body is screaming and it seems like I am constantly bumping my fingers against things to create a 'go to the moon' pain.  I cry.  My body is tense and uncomfortable.  I feel myselt shutting down from my world and the people in it.  I DO NOT KNOW HOW to share this part of me with anyone. 

I hear myself telling my dogs to leave me alone.  I see myself not feeling or laughing or participating in anything around me. 

I am angry and do not allow myself to feel it completely.  I am stuck in Do Not Feel Mode and OFF mode. 

I remember a long time ago making a pact with myself to not feel.  I remember saying 'I just won't feel anything.  I'd rather not feel anything then to feel this pain again". 

I am much more open and feeling than I used to be.  However, I still have my long moments of not feeling.  I am in one of them now. 

I guess from the pain I was experiencing this morning, I went into shut down mode.  I am going to watch and see where I go from here. 

I don't want to be like this.  I want to do better and follow my happy.  I'm so numb, I don't know what my happy is.  That's not really true.  I don't want to allow myself to know even that.  Interesting.  Am I so shut down that I won't even go there.  You bet.  mmmmmmm.

I asked a girlfriend this morning if they do come take me away to help me.  She replied 'if they do put you away, I'll come with you!"  funny and I liked this answer!

I used to be told if you act that way, they are going to come take you away.  Apparently, somewhere in my being I still hear this voice.  I don't like it.  (I was probably told less than 8 times my entire childhood this -- apparently it had a lasting impact on me. - It must have worked.  I must have really stopped doing whatever it is I was doing.  I was probably doing a silly dance!)  I wonder where I find the 'knowing' to not think this thought anymore.  (Do they still put people away against their will?  I think they used to, but I don't know this to be absolute truth either.)

Maybe I could investigate. 

Anyone remember that song 'they're coming to take me away oh me oh my....to the funny farm...where life is beautiful all the time'.  Hey, if it's beautiful all the time - maybe I want to go there.  Ha.

Seeing Me In This Moment

I see myself writing posts to touch individual people's lives.  I see myself struggling while doing this.  I see myself wanting to help/fix other people's problems.  I see myself not flowing with the words/ideas/thoughts when I do this.  When I come from (what I believe) their 'stuff', I'm not feeling completely happy and content.  When I come from my own knowing, I'm completely knowing I got this.

I hesitate and reword my posts when I'm considering another person other than myself.  I read it several times and change several words.  When I come from only me and my thoughts, I find it much easier to let my fingers fly across the keyboard.   I read it once and hardly change anything.

When I'm writing with 'what or how is this person going to respond to what I'm saying', I get slowed down and lose focus and lose faith in myself.

When I write from my life, my knowing, it feels great.  When I do anything but this - not so great.

I have been afraid of comments on this blog.  I have received 0. Some people have mentioned that they did leave a comment.  I do not see one.  I sort of think I'm not ready to see any, so for some reason, there are none here. I am mostly happy about this because I know I can be easily intimidated and lose my flow.  I get sidetracked from myself.   Although my skin in reality (in some areas) is very thick from too much collagen; I am so not thick skinned.  I have this tendency of feeling what the person around me is feeling and taking that on.  When people are content and happy around me, I am.  When people are angry, uncomfortable, frustrated around me, I take it on as negative energy and it's hard for me to choose happy.  I'm working on this.  I'm finally aware of this and know that I don't have to live this way.  It is a curse and a blessing.  I am honored I can feel people so well and I have to learn to tell myself that it is not my stuff to fix.  I love the connection with people and I don't like losing the connection to myself.

Heavy stuff for me.  Dizzy again.  My truth.  I am stating it and I am resisting and taking it in at the same time.  Hence, the waves of energy in my brain I suppose.  Doesn't feel great and, yet, it feels right.  Oh boy.

How are you in this moment?