Believe

My life is feeling a bit 'heavy' just now.  My body does not know or understand how to be in homeostasis as I take one drug off my daily prescription and add another one on. 

Working with new doctors and new drugs is a very interesting thing to me.

I surely did not foresee this.

And, I know I am being taken care of and the universe is leading me.  I am living in harmony with where I am traveling to. 

I do not feel harmonious just now.   I believe harmony is coming back into my life because of this disharmony.  It won't be what it was.  It will be great.

I truly believe that this is great for my being; my evolution.  And, it doesn't feel great in my body or mind.  I know I am evolving into what I'm supposed to become now.

Life is a series of challenges and triumphs.  We are supposed to have both.  Perhaps, things we do not know or understand are things we are not supposed to know or understand.

May you have trust that where you are is where you are supposed to be.  May you bring your true self into your breath.  May you evolve into everything awesome that you are.

Addiction vs. Dependence

I am learning/exploring the difference (for me) between addiction and being an addict and dependence and being dependent.  

As I wean off of a 'controlled substance', I am aware of my body needing the drug.  My brain stopped producing what the drug created in my body and, most likely, even added to/changed my blood chemistry.

I realize that an addict wants to take the drug so they don't feel anything; nothing.  They want to keep taking more and more as to hide within; retreat from life.  They often get to the point where they will do anything for the drug and it becomes their only focus.

I realize that a drug dependent person wants the drug to stop pain.  They stop taking the drug once the pain subsides.  They want to stay involved.  There is a very fine line, at times, on physical vs. emotional pain and which comes first as they so often intertwine.  I do not want to keep taking it so I don't feel anything.  I only want to quiet the pain.  The dependent person does not need to deceive themselves and others; however, pushed to the point of no intake of the drug and the body craving the drug, one may find themselves tortured to get the drug in their system.  I have been here.  I was never pushed to the point of lying and cheating (thanks to my doctor of 30 years); however, I'm sure anyone dependent could be. 

The drugs are that powerful to the human body and mind. 

An addict knows great torture.  Moreso than the dependent.  They are never at a knowing of real peace.  Sometimes, the drug is all that is left in their life. 

A dependent knows fear and torture too.  However, they know peace in the quiet of the pain and yet there is awareness that stays present.  I do believe that this awareness has to be diminished somewhat on a body dependent drug...

I do not think my body knows the difference between being an addict and being dependent.

I believe our brains may. 

Our brains are not living for the next fix.  Our brains just want to stop the pain and/or be able to function.  Our brains do not look to get as high as possible and mentally crave the drug.  A dependent person does not have as strong of a mental connection to the drug as the addicted person usually has a drug of choice.  However, I also have a drug of choice.  Hmm.  I chose it after trying several over the years.  I chose it because it doesn't upset my stomach or make me too loopy and/or uncomfortable. 

The body knows no difference.

The brain of an addict wants to bury everything that they feel.  They want to get as 'high' as possible.  As soon as they are returning to feeling again, the thought of the next 'fix' starts building.  They often add another drug with the drug of choice. 

The brain of the dependent sits with the pain not being there and functions better with the pain not requesting attention .  They usually just take the one path of pain relief and this is enough for them.

So, there are so many similiarities.   There are the same cravings.  There is the same need to wean. 

The person addicted may be so sensitive to life, that they have not learned how to feel and/or to be true to what they are feeling. 

The person dependent may also be sensitive and may not be completely open to feeling it all.  They surely do not want to feel the pain.

So many similarities.  Some differences.   And, yet, there is a difference. 

The only difference that is completely palpable is that the full blown addict is completely consumed.  

We can both get to the point where we no longer function with or without the drug. 

 This is exactly were I am.  As I am stopping a drug, I am not functioning in the way I see/know myself to function. 

I am stuck feeling not great and feeling horrible.  I no longer know what is the drug(s); what is the dis-ease; what is me weaning...  I cannot tell which part of what I am doing; what I experience; what I feel is presenting the problem or the solution.

Sure, the ulcer on the finger is the disease (or is it).  But, the discomfort, the inability to focus, the demand on my body that I'd rather not have or experience -- what is creating this. 

Noone that I have connected with is able to tell me or help me with this deciphering. 

It is time for our world to do better and stand together in creating our own best selves from our own inner truth and knowing.

There is no place left to hide.  There is no other option on the table than this if we want to thrive as a whole universal system.

I'd sure like to be a part of a whole universal system thriving.  It starts from within.

So, perhaps, the similarities and differences do not matter as much as bringing our best self to the whole.

And, 'carry forward'.

May you carry your truest of self forward into the wholeness of our universe.  All you need to do is live what is inside of you to live and share it with one another...  Scary and, yet, everything we have/need/truly want is already ours - we only need to stand in the truth of and connect to our whole selves out loud.

Baby steps allowed.

Perhaps, many of us are balancing between our magical self and our pretend, stuck or old version of self.  May you always be open to your own 'magic'... Let it carry you forward. 

                                                           Pictures Unknown

This subject is very close to my heart.  I have been living with and concerned with it for a long, long time.  Only now, am I starting to be able to decipher some of what I relate and connect to as my truth. 

The Colors of Joy

I posted this beautiful picture (unknown source) on Facebook and it just blew up with shares and likes as I have never experienced before. 

So, I come here to you, and happily, joyfully, share it with you.

My hope is that it connects you to your own inner joy.

Which color(s) call(s) to you... 

Perhaps, it is a good day to wear or grab something in this/these color(s) and let the color embrace and run through your being.  Let it enter you organs, your cells, your brain.  Let it softly wrap around your whole being and extend far into the unknown and everything that is.

Let it be joyful, soothing, and embracing.

Let it fill you up with light.  Let there be no place for darkness just now.  Feel the divine and love within you.  It is yours.  Only you can feel this; be this and know this.

You are this powerful.

Let your loving mind create a barrier (from anything other than love) that withstands anything and everything that comes your way; if only for today. 

May you live in your 'colorful' truth and own what is yours to own and let go of what is not.

If you can imagine it, you can create it.

Imagine joy, beauty, love and whatever it is you want/need in this moment.  Imagine it as yours. 

Follow this path [that is you] out into your world.

May you color your life and feel the beautiful vibration of you.

                                                               Picture Unknown

Here

I come here not knowing what I will be typing (sharing).  I come here early morning (for me) and I am not sure I know how I feel.  I don't feel ugly.  I don't feel great.  I am just 'being'.  It is peaceful.  It is somewhat strange and I know that I am okay right here; right now; in this moment.

I wait for the cleaning people to come to help me to clean.  It is so nice when they are done and the house feels so nice and clean.  They are 1/2 hour late as I pulled myself out of bed to be ready for them...  That is no 'fun' when this happens...  And, I am so grateful to have their helping hands. 

Yesterday was another day of waiting on a prescription and this time it was filled, but it was not paid for by insurance.  I did need to take it to a second pharmacy as the first pharmacy would have taken a week to fill the order.  They were helpful in telling me where to go... Ha!

It has been quite the learning experience to let go of how it used to be and go with how it is...  The more I fought it, the harder it was.   The more I embrace it and go with the flow, the simpler it becomes.  Man, I so wanted to fight it!?!?

I will try the extended release medicine and I hope it keeps me level with little pain.

I continue to wean and if I can make it work - I will only be on this one pill for pain.  That would be pretty cool I believe.

It is fall down here in Florida, USA although it really just means a break in the constant hot and humid weather 24 hours a day.  I do enjoy the Fall up north as the leaves turn into bright, beautiful, vibrant colors -- and against the blue sky it is gorgeous.  Perhaps, it is Autumn's way of showing us how beautiful it can be to let things go; change things up; and allow the cycle of life to, well, 'cycle'. 

I noticed that it is getting darker earlier in the night.  The days are shorter.  The nights are getting longer.  

Hibernation is more prevalent up north as it gets very cold, windy, snowy and sometimes brutal to be outside. Here, it gets so beautiful, all I want to do is be outside.

I still say I belong here in Florida.  I know it.  It took me a long time to get here.  It is not how I imagined it would be from age 17 on and, I still believe in miracles and life being a good time.  I am in search of it.  And, I know, I only need to allow it... 

May you allow your life to be filled with good times with a balance that keeps you thriving and keeps you your happiest.

When we are happy, it is much easier to share happy than when we are down and/or unhappy.

May you do one thing different today to get your happy on!  My wish.

Burnt or 'Learnt'

I have learned in these past several years, changing locations, doctors, housing, family dynamic, animals, and everything that comes with it - I have learned to trust myself and to trust my own journey.

I have felt burnt.  And, I know that it can be more about learning to be most true to myself and everyone I encounter (and have relations with) that enables life to be more open, easy, loving and awesome.

I have not liked some of the 'cards' I have been dealt.  And, I know each of these 'cards' has brought me home to me. 

So, while not always easy and sometimes feeling downright impossible - I have learned that I am possible.  I continue to evolve.  I survive everything; (until I don't) all my life changes with all the big, huge situations that come my way.

I realize that many situations come my way unexpected and, surely, what feels like uninvited.

And, I realize that each and everyone of these situations add on to the depth of who I am.  Whether I deem it happy or horrible - I still get deeper into me; knowing who I am and what I am made of.

THIS is the life experience.  THIS is our human experience.  THIS is you receiving information to evolve deeper into you.

Just maybe...

May you embrace each situation as such.  Connect with how you feel, what you think, what you tell yourself and which response feels best on and in you.  Which response gives you the peace, happy, calm, exciting, fabulous, etc. life that fulfills you...

Whether you feel burnt or enthused, learning is always an option. 

May you learn who you are and be the best option of you.  Namaste'

Comfort

'Positive Thinking is not only about knowing everything works out as is best.  It is also knowing that everything that happens is for the best.'  The total picture of our lives unfold just the way it is supposed to.  Just maybe; the very way we signed up for it ahead of time...

I am learning, this week, very deeply that as I bring my calm truth to the situation at hand instead of wanting the situation to be different, I find more comfort and peace within.

I like comfort and peace within.

May you allow comfort and peace within...

Bring your true self to everything as it is instead of wanting to change things that are not in our control to change. 

By bringing your truth to what shows up in your life - each situation - we grow it as truth within us.  We grow from the situation towards peace and comfort.  I so like the sound of this...

Comfort and peace on...

You do have this amazing, undying power within you...

Emergency...

I have taken two of the new pain management pills.  I do not like how I feel.  I am more numb than I need to be and my heart and breathing are affected.  My eyes are a bit messed up as well.   I can see clearly, but it doesn't feel like reality that I am seeing...   Like a lens or fog is covering what my brain is registering.

I called the pain management people that prescribed this and they immediately told me to go to the emergency room at the hospital.  I know this is not what I need.   I need to not take this pill.  It is too strong and my body doesn't like it.

So, I wait it out.  Yes, it can be scary.  I have been through this before and I know I am not having a heart attack or stroke as my blood pressure is okay (and my cholesterol levels).  My pulse is a bit higher but this was after I was told to go to the emergency room.  I know that they are trained to tell us, the patient, this as they can offer me nothing else just now.   Oh man...

So, at 7 pm tonight it will be time for me to take another pill.   I will not do this and I will call again tomorrow to describe and discuss a better drug.  This one does not agree with me.  I hope they will listen as I have been through this many times before and I understand my body down to the individual cells.   I am not perfect.  I am not 100% certain.  I may be wrong.  And, something in me is telling me I am okay that I just need to find a better/different drug to help me get by with pain that comes from my body in distress and dis-ease with scleroderma.

I don't know who or what I am without drugs.  I think, if at all possible, this is (again) the time to wean down and see what I feel and know without it. 

I think I am stronger now.  I have let go of much disturbance(s) in my brain waves and cells.  I am more equipped to deal with physical and emotional pain.   I am discovering a new road that is being open to me through these latest situations with doctors, tests and pain management.

I am not having fun.  I do feel I am where I am supposed to be.  I know God has me and I am okay.  I believe once through this, I will be more evolved. 

I want to thrive more.  I want to connect to you more and support your happiness and truth of self.

I am ready.   I now want my body to be ready to carry me through and to this.

May you trust your intuition and your inner guidance.   If, there is any doubt at all, even a small amount - do not hesitate to grab onto emergency help and let it support you.  That is what it is there for.  I am certain my blood pressure and pulse are okay and where it is not life threatening. 

My numb face tells me it is not happy with the new drug.  It is numbing my pain but numbing so much more. 

5.5 hours to go.   A lot can happen in one minute.  I know this.  I would never recommend anyone to do what I am doing.  After almost 40 years of riding this roller coaster, I know that what I am feeling is not going to be helped by going to the hospital.  The extended release drug is already in my system and flushing it out, for me, is best to let it's take its course and not taking it again. 

I do not know what the emergency doctors would offer.  I do not think this time around I need to know.  I only need to wait it out, drink lots of water, eat and rest.  I would never suggest for you to do this.  I would suggest for you not to as I don't know you just like the nurse on the phone did not know me. 

I am usually numb as this is what tight skin does to me.  This is what constriction of blood vessels do.  This is what scleroderma is.  Too much collagen was being produced and nothing flows at its best when this happens.  And, I am ready to allow the flow of blood and my organs to be happily working at full capacity and I have already started on producing just the right and proper amount of collagen that my body will stop fighting itself and live in harmony with.  I and my body are ready to live in harmony with the universe and what is.

It has been a long road.   I am here at another crossroads.   All is well.

May you Just Be U and may you listen to your gut and may you love yourself through.

 Note:   If a professional is telling you something, I suggest it is always good to listen..
               "better safe than sorry'.