Insecure Confusion

My day is experiencing [through myself and others] an uncertainty of 'ugly' and uncomfortable feelings.  Ugh-ly. !

I hear people that are just irritable and antsy; angry and afraid; sad and uncertain.  I feel much of this myself.  I see turmoil in our world.  I see hatred and ugliness happening.  I see painful situations that are absurd and tragic to me.   (I see beauty and awesomeness also.  However, I feel the need to discuss the upheaval in our world just now.) 

I feel discomfort and stale.  I feel confusion and new situations/thoughts/ways/processes coming through me that are very different than my once formed habitual ways. Some are sharing with me their guilt in needing to lay low, relax, stay home and heal.  Some are sharing with me that they are not too thrilled with life and living the way of what is. 

I know that we are not where we were.  Many are no longer on autopilot.  We can't be.  Our world isn't showing itself to us this way.  Our world is showing itself to us with bombardment of newness, oldness but announced, and many are sharing they just do not know how to move forward easily.  

I hope that through all this 'turmoil' and change; that this is the time we create Peace on Earth, happiness within and without; and a better way -- a better world in which each and every human can live the life that is inside of them to live.

Yes, this can be considered very deep.  This is life altering stuff.  Our world is crying for love and love is what I want to help it get.

So, in all this display of truth that we may not have shared for so long and wholly, ever, as one world -- may we live with open hearts and minds; may we try to understand or at least believe in each other and encourage each other in kindness.  May we believe that what is to come will feel beautiful to 'bathe' in --  this energy of everything human and alive, interconnected and built through a divine source.

May we share who we are and the pain inside and the 'inner knowing' that is our own and may we share it in a way we feel supported, heard, and from a place of knowing that we matter.  We all matter.  We all breathe now in this time because each one of us is important for this beautiful change to occur.  May generations to come not know war, hatred or fear just because of our uniqueness or differences.  May we learn how to embrace and support this uniqueness through love and not through hurting of each other.

May you (think) send love to the hate, joy to the sadness, peace to the turmoil and connection to all that is. This is not the most productive answer.   It is, perhaps, a better answer than 'fueling' what hurts us.

Pain and Hurt

My experience is that behind all anger there is fear, pain, hurt, sadness, and/or confusion.

May you walk through it and let go of it in the kindest of ways to yourself and to others.

Scleroderma

Unknown  author.  A caring mother shared this after her precious son died from scleroderma.

Scleroderma Awareness

 POEM: I DIDN'T KNOW

"I didn’t know back then that life would change forever. I didn’t know what pain was then. I didn’t know the sacrifices and allowances I would end up making. I didn’t know my hair could hurt. I didn’t know that I would have to give up the things that brought me the most joy ...because I just couldn’t do them any more. I didn’t know how my limits would change from one day to the next. I didn’t know I’d have to fight so hard for what I need.

I didn’t know I could be okay with wearing socks that don’t match. I didn’t know I could cry beyond the point of tears. I didn’t know how strong I could be until I was forced to be. I didn’t know I could live for weeks on applesauce and Sprite. I didn’t know I could get lost in Target. I didn’t know I could crack a joke and laugh in the worst of situations because I just couldn’t cry anymore.

I didn’t know I could lose what felt like everything and still feel as though I had everything I need. I didn’t know I could keep going past the end of my rope. I didn’t know that when I felt the most alone and exhausted, someone, somewhere would inspire me to fight one more time. I didn’t know I could sleep 20 hours and still be tired. I didn’t know I could fall asleep anywhere. I also didn’t know I’d regret it when I woke up.

I didn’t know that nothing beats stupid comedies or veggie tales on a bad day. I didn’t know just how much pain I could stand. I didn’t know how desperate I would feel sometimes. I didn’t know how much I’d have to learn. I didn’t know how much I’d have to advocate for myself because there was no one else to fight for me. I didn’t know how good fuzzy socks feel.

I didn’t know I could love God and hate Him at the same time. I didn’t know sometimes prayer would be all I’d have. I didn’t know some of my best friends would be people I’d never met. I didn’t know that I wasn’t alone. I didn’t know doctors could be wrong. I didn’t know that there were others going through this. I didn’t know there was support.

I’d say I wish someone had told me all of these things back then, but I do know I wouldn’t have believed them."



 

Stuck in Unwanted Wavering Stability

Oh, what a name for a post!  Yikes.

I come here resisting creating a post because my arms and legs scream and my discomfort is high and my strength level is low. 

Being on a scleroderma website on Facebook is surely giving me new words for how I feel.  I'm not sure if I like it or I really dislike it and I keep going back.  I cannot help myself! 

Yes, Facebook is pulling me in.  The similar experiences, the like-minded people, the sharing of thoughts and the possibility for seeing things in a new way are pretty exciting.  Also, being able to share myself to a broad range of people feels very invigorating (for the most part). 

I am currently waiting for a PhD to return my call and see if she will discuss with me dependency vs. addiction and possible ways to discover if it is the pain medicine my body wants or if it is my desire for the physical pain to stop (and everything in between).  I am also wondering what is causing the pain.  Is it the dis-ease of scleroderma and/or the side affects and possible toxins of the pain medicine.  It feels vicious to me just now. 

I'm not sure my body, like my mind, knows the difference between dependency and addiction either.

I know I hurt.  I know I'm low on pain medicine.  I know I feel mostly unsupported by this new rheumatologist just now. I know this creates all this wonder.  It comes to a head as I've been having this underlying 'concern' for a while now. 

I wonder, again, if this is my time to go it alone.  To break away from what was and create what will be while walking lovingly through what is. 

LOL.  Truly, all I know is what I am sharing. 

May you be where you are; connect to your truth as much as possible and may you create your world in which you live from this truth of all that you are.

Struggling

I'm struggling with these new doctors.  I believe it is mostly because I want them to know me and trust me as my former ones did and I am not receiving this trust.  It is better with one; it is not good with the other.

I think to call and find new doctors.  I am burned out and tired to do so.  It is not in me easily.  My drive to get help is not strong.

I think it comes from reaching out so much for so long, and while getting closer to my inner self, my body still suffers.  No easy answer; no answer, really, to change my symptoms. 

This new doctor says I 'should' not need pain medicine.  My stiffly tight and painful body tells me otherwise.  I am confused if it is because my body has known pain medicine for so long or if my body is living with the painful symptoms of scleroderma and dis-ease.

So, I sit in this not knowing or feeling a push or a pull in any direction.  I feel stuck, frustrated and exhausted mentally and physically. 

It is hard for me to think of the little things in life, like organizing and doing every day things while my body and mind are stuck in a standoff of starting over and having to go through tests, new drugs, new criteria so this doctor can maybe know what he needs to 'see' if he can offer any help or pain free days.

Ugh.  Ugh.  Ugh.

I'm going to reach out to one more addiction specialist to see if I can gather any information on dis-eases and addicting drugs.  To see if they can offer me insight into what is true pain that my body has and what is pain from the drugs that I am on.  There is no easy answer that I know.

As they are cracking down on narcotics and the pharmacies have somehow been given permission to decline drugs that a doctor's prescription prescribes, I believe it will ween out the people that abuse them and the people that need them.  Which one am I...

My lack of embracing this medicine from the beginning and my trust in what doctors have offered me have gotten me to this question.  Not once has a doctor that I was a patient to tell me I was abusing them.  I have questioned it in the past, they assured me it was like a diabetic needing insulin.   Yet, our world is possibly not tolerating or supporting that analogy and I am stuck in the middle.  My life is somewhat 'owned' by the drugs, the doctors, the pharmacists, the insurance company and the manufacturers of these drugs.  

Yes, they have allowed me to do many, many things that I probably would not have been able to do because of feeling the pain.  Yet, I still have, also, known great pain.  And, yes, I have felt like a criminal needing my next fix at times with how I have been treated by some.  This is where I need to stand in my own truth and speak and share me.  Will anyone listen....

I hope someone can help me 'grow' and maneuver through (what feels like) this mess that I am in.

I walk on.  I am so deeply embedded in my life just now that it is hard for me to share it as I have no clear picture or feeling of the totality of it.

So, I love myself through as best I can; as best I know how and as only I can.

May you love yourself through as best as you can with what you know and who you are; as only you really know what is going on inside of yourself.  May you be your own best support.

 

Vamp and Revamp

I am in deep.  I am in the subtle throes of alteration, change, growth, creativity, new-ness, and hit with what feels like a whole new way of 'living me'.

From a new home to letting go of my past way of living, to doing the banking and paperwork, to new doctors, to new light switches (for pete's sake), I wake up in a very different atmosphere/world than what I have known and what I've been used to -- or it certainly feels so anyway. 

I don't remember what a comfort level feels like.  I am still discovering the depth of myself and it isn't easy to admit some of it; feels childish in ways; and offers the ability to really create the life that is inside of me to live moving forward. 

I've been sitting here all day (after going for tests yesterday in a new hospital, by a new doctor, a new state, with an older body (just saying)) to reach out and call my new doctor's office to see how they handle test results and prescription refills.

I'm beat.  I'm tired.  I don't want to 'play this game' any more.  I want to be free to just live and not have medicine and feeling yucky and doctors visits getting in the way.  I've been playing this particular game since I've been 17 and I no longer want to play.  I feel myself kicking and screaming to get out of doing it...  Ha!

My body is screaming and writhing in subtle pain and discomfort.  Imagine your skin being too small for your skeleton...  Imagine not being able to use your hands without thinking about it and imagine a change in temperature scaring you first and then hurting you as you feel your body shrink and shut down some.  It is quite the ride.

Since I was a teenager, I knew I was going to live in Florida.  I've had many wonderful winters here.  This is not what I imagined as a teenager and, yet, I am here...  I made it! 

So, now what...

I have clues...   I want to help others.  I want to be among people that love, care and support each other.  I want to help change the world one person, one breath, one cell at a time.  I want to enjoy the palm trees, the ocean, the fabulous tropical air.  I want to have fun with my family and friends. 

And, just now, I am re-adapating (as I have adapted before).  I am learning this new life that I have placed myself in, that is being thrown at me and as I allow it and can't stop it...

We all have our stuff.  Much of it is pretty loud just now.  We are all growing, living, being here now together, individually.

We let life and ease of it flow through us or we fight and kick and scream.  It is not what is happening with us and to us, it is how we respond to each and every situation. 

I believe that as I bring my deepest truth into each situation, I am living my life fulfilled.  I am living the moment as me and all that I am.  I am embracing or running and everything in between.  I am living this human experience alive and aware. 

For now, it is where I am.  For now, I honor me.  For now, I flow with and accept everything that I feel and am.  I flow and accept that this is not where I feel happiest.  I flow and accept that I no longer want to play this game as I 'play' it.  I flow and accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, feeling as I'm supposed to be feeling and living as I'm supposed to be living...  until it changes...  and it will. 

It always changes.

May you flow and accept exactly where you are as you settle into it to experience fulfillment in the now -- and not when so and so happens or when what's his/her face appears or when this is achieved....  Live YOU NOW fully alive and present and let this lead you into your future.  My wish.

Where I'm At

Between a rock and a hard place.....   noo.... nooo.    no.

I want to wish you all a happy new year and I hope that this post finds you breathing....   !  (oh my! yikes!) Not sure where I'm going with this one... but we shall see.

I hope this post finds you sitting relaxed and your mind being here where your body is.  I hope if you notice a tension, a 'calling', a pain somewhere in your body that you stop right now and let it know that you recognize it; you care.   Breathe into this part of your body that 'cries' the most and send it love.  Send it your valuable and beautiful love. 

Perhaps, ask it what it needs... wait....  do you 'hear' an answer...  Perhaps, all it needs is for you to be with it. 

Breathe in love and breathe out what doesn't feel like it belongs. Do this, perhaps, until you get to the point where you can just breathe in love and breathe out love; breathe love. 

Just breathe.  Feel yourself being supported by what is underneath you.  Feel yourself being supported by Mother Earth and all of the Universe.  Just pretend if you don't feel it.  Just pretend what it would feel like to you.  Breathe.  Feel your body becoming heavier; more relaxed as you allow 'letting go happen'.  As you allow 'just being' happen.  Just breathe.

Thank your body for supporting you as well and as long as it has.  Your body breathes and you have to do nothing.  Perhaps, just for this moment, participate with the breathing of your body.  Feel.  Notice what words or thoughts or feelings come up for you.   No judgment; just let them come...  Let them go.  Just feel you and your essence. 

This is where I am at.  No words.  Only being.  There is not one loud thought just now that wants to be shared or explored.  I only want to breathe.

Love your breath.   Love your self.  You are an amazing being and you matter wholly through your breath at this moment...

Breathe you.

May you stop the chaos and allow peace by just breathing you.

Namaste' dear person.  The deepest part of me honors the deepest part of you where we are all connected, perhaps, by what gives us breath...

May you notice how it feels to honor your breath; your being.  This, I believe, is what the intention of life is.  To honor one's self because in this honoring of self, we truly know what honor is and we can then share this honor outside of our self.  Honoring starts from within. 

Have a day living through this breath and this honor.  My wish.  Thank you.