What a Visit

I had a doctors appointment today and on the way over I knew it was going to be big for me.  The more resistant I feel to go there, (I'm forcing myself to continue because in reality I'm shaky and all over the place.) the more that usually comes up and out.

As I was driving to my appointmnt, my head was humming, my back was aching, my arms were throbbing.  I started to say outloud to the beat of the music......Go, Fly, Thank you, Gone.   Go, Fly, Thank you, Gone.  Go, Fly, Thank you. Gone.  I heard myself saying to my body that I am here and ready to deal with you.  I am here for you and not going anywhere.  You don't have to hurt me or be too loud.  I am here for you and I have the tools that we need.  Go, Fly, Thank you, Gone.   (Yep, I'm thinking pretty weird). 

I get to her office and I tell her I have a lot going on.  We talk, we work and sure enough, in a matter of seconds, I start groaning and leaning forward, burping and feeling dizzy.  I breathe deep, which to me, was to go into my body and breathe out the 'ugly'.  I was releasing 'it'.  I was letting go.  I was feeling emotions that were most likely buried for a long, long time. 

I asked the doctor if she was okay.  I needed her to be okay so I could continue.  She gave me the time and space I needed to release my 'stuff'.  My hands turned purple.  I was sweating.  My eyes were tearing, but I don't think I was crying.  Oh, the human body, mind and spirit!

So, I'm home now and it was a pretty messed up day in many of my relationships. Major issues for people I love dearly and care about.   The weather is dreary, rainy and cold.  Dark outside.  

Oh, life.   I finally want to live through it and allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and ask for what I need.

If I come across someone who challenges me, I don't know what I'll do.  I hope I'll continue on.

I am so thankful for the love of the people that are so supportive of my life.  How lucky I am.

How many layers does an onion have!  I have been through, what feels like, millions.

May U be working through and allowing your 'layers' to be present and your heart and spirit to fly regardless. 

May God (the Universe, the Higher Power)  Bless the human race.  I heard on a TV show the other day - "We have but one race in the world - the human race."  I loved this.  Together we can conquer anything.  Separated, we may just be less strong. 

CRAZY

I am learning that I get in everyone's elses heads and sometimes put emphasis on what they think, want, and need before I hear and connect with what I think, want, and need.

This is not healthy for anyone involved.

I need to let us all be individuals and yet, work together as these individuals.

I am feeling like I learned this when my mom was going through her divorce.  My dad had already flew the coop and my mom was unable to hear or deal with anything coming from little me.  This is when I chose to shut down, shut up and be invisible and I took it as what I was thinking and feeling was not as important as what anyone else was thinking and feeling.

I took this with me.  I have this with me today.  I am in the process of letting this go.  And, because it is what I feel like I've always known, there is a great discomfort, unease in doing differently.

I'm going to let the 'crazy' of this go and dare to voice and live with what is in my head.  BIG  HUGE   SCARY

Whose head are U in?  Who/what are U allowing in your head that is not helpful to U?

The Process

I feel like

I'm in the eye of the hurricane.  In the process of finding and choosing life.  My world is spinning in one direction.  I'm spinning in another.

Eye of the Hurricane.  I want to find the Eye of the Tiger.

Strength, Certainty, Courage, Knowledge, Beauty.

I believe all of this is within my reach.

I am reaching.

I am in my process.  Not a fun place to be, I assure U.

May U believe, trust, love and allow if U find yourself in the Eye of the Hurricane.

Change

I'm in the process of changing a lot about and with my life.  Just my work force at the house; the way I move; the way I eat and drink; the way I express myself; the way I am in my relationships.  Pretty much, most aspects of my life.

It is not easy for me.  I feel a strong resistant in my head and my body.  I feel a strong fear and can't pinpoint it.  I'm thinking this is ego's resistance.  'It's what we know, why are you going to go and change it all up and have to give us more work to accomplish"   or something very similar and, perhaps, silly to this.

My breathing is uneven and shallow.  This is nuts.  I want to not get out of bed so I don't have to do this; face this; hurt anyone.

While becoming true to me, I am forcing everyone that has a connection to me to accept the new me and change with me.  People are doing a fabulous job around me.  I'm changing things up in my own head and don't remember to share and the same old, same old goes on with everyone else until it becomes a problem that we both have to face.  It can feel excruciating to me.  I'm not sure how it feels to others.  AND, there is not one person in my life that is not supporting me.

I'm the luckiest woman (I want to say 'alive', but I think this may be over the top.  Ha).  I am grateful to everyone. 

Could it also be that everyone is doing their own thing and living with their ups and downs and I am thinking that my life affects them much more than it really does?  Another Private Eye moment coming up.  I'd like to find this out.

Anyway, I'm doing what I can.  Accomplishing what my body and mind will allow daily and going through 'this'.  Whatever 'this' is.

It is uncommon, unnatural and unknown to me.  The Time is Now for me to live me.  I hope I can continue on and I do not give up til I have all of me in one place, so to speak.  All of me in sync. 

Really, it literally hurts.

May U know peace in your body, mind, and spirit today.

In My Body

Sometimes, alot of times, I have felt out of my body.  I feel inside my body presently.  I feel I'm residing within and it's okay. 

I feel strange and different.  I feel able and willing to speak my truth.  I think I am finally sharing with my world what is deep within me;  what my true thoughts and feelings are.  I am creating a new world for myself and my life.  How exciting.  How scary.  How okay I finally am to own my truth; my little 'voices'; my inner knowing.  I am me and it's exhilarating and sometimes very tiring to learn more about me.  To be willing annd open to hear things and see things that are presently true in my life and perhaps I've been avoiding/unwilling to admit. 

Things such as wanting appreciation and respect.  Things such as sometimes I still feel childish.  Things such as I want attention and love.  Perhaps, most importantly that I deserve what I want. 

It is my right to live fully.  What if it's also my responsibility to live fully.  I'd like to not allow any more days to go by without following my inner knowing for one minute.  I'd like to be in tuned and connected to this at all times and be brave enough to explore it and use it. 

Each and everyone of us is unique and has special qualities, that, perhaps, when used, we give what we are suppose to give to our world.  What if by living our truth and living in its power alone, that we put out in the universe a great light to create beauty, love, strength and support.  If we all were doing this, living our truth out of love and not fear, together, we can create the beauty of life and living for all.

There really is alot to be had.  I've known it.  I've felt it.  I've lived it.  I like being connected to this instead of connected to ugly, dark and stuck.  It's all, probably in infinite amounts, available and obtainable.  We just need to be willing to believe and know that we are worthy of what makes our hearts happy.  And, by achieving happiness for ourselves, we open doors for others to find their happy.

I am seeing when I am down and out, it's sometimes hard to see and be joyful for others because I want to feel this.   When I am in a good place, it's easy to share, acknowledge readily and even create joy for others.  When I come from joy and peace, it's easier to see the beauty.  Vibrancy vibrates strongly when I feel the glow of life within, throughout and with all.  It all comes within first for me.

May U know your high vibrancy today.  May U know beauty and love as U move through your day as the genuine U. 

Heat

Today they are working on my home's heating units.  They have it turned off.  It is 37 deg outside.  It's getting a bit chilly in here.  Interesting how this would happen now. 

I am finding it hard to even know how I feel or what I'm thinking.  I get physically sick when I am working on changes in my life that I want to incorporate.  I feel like I lose most of my strength and my body is actually resisting my thoughts of change.  It's kind of like creating fear in me so I won't do it.  My head hurts. 

I feel like a, "L" on the forehead, Loser.   I want to reach out and I'm not sure how.  I want to express and I'm not certain on how to articulate it. 

I feel different inside.  I keep pushing forward.

Pls. give me heat.  It was snowing this morning but no accumulation.  It's dark, dreary and cold outside.  The daffodils want to peak out of the dirt.  I believe the cold is stopping them from doing it. 

When this weather passes and the sun comes out, it will be beautiful to see everything come to life.  The tulips and daffodils, the crocus and tree buds.  I'm ready.

It's all very interesting for me.

What is peaking your interest today.  Are U aware of it.  Do U choose to be.

My Battle Continues

I'm still waking up not feeling good, right or happy.  I am going to be very aware of everything I put into my body.

I was reading another book last night and I saw the sentence about instead of running away from, I'm going to run towards my truth.  I thought 'wow' this is what I need/want to do.  I am going to choose running towards myself/my life instead of running away from me as I know me.

I'm happy to report that I only drank 1/2 of the diet coke I had poured myself yesterday; and I was able to lengthen the time between medicine (pain) and I did take less vitamins than the handful I usually take daily.  I didn't sleep as well and my ears are still ringing and I feel like I'm flying even though I don't want to.  My focus is missing.

I am not where I want to be and I am grasping with everything I know and have to make this different.

I move through my battle with love.

If U decide to 'battle' today; may it be with ease and love.