Be U: Human. To Be or Not to Be

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Human. To Be or Not to Be

Sometimes, I feel like it is very hard to live the human side of me. There is pain; there are questions; there seems to be right from wrong; ease to hardships.

I'm not much liking it in this moment.

Since I have last written, we are still slowly moving into the condo, the Thanksgiving holiday has passed (hope you had a nice one if you celebrate it), and I have had to put my Little Bear (just about 13 years old pekingese) down as she got very sick and her back surgery 10 years ago had caught up with her and her spine just froze and she was not getting better. It was a very sad time. There was beauty. There was great difficulty. There was love. There was calm. There was absolute loss. The great emptiness and loss is also met with a balance of, for both her and I (I hope), freedom, peace, gratefulness and a forever bond of love.

I do know that the very unsettling time is beyond my ability to explain. I do know that the joy she brought me was/is much greater than this one day that can really grab hold if I allow it. I choose not to allow it (as best I can) and I picture her with her animal brother and sisters that have already crossed over. I picture her with her ears flapping, her tail up and a big smile on her face running. I so enjoyed when she did this. I think she enjoyed it too. She can now do this again. I need to believe this. This is my story and I'm owning it.

There feels like much turmoil happening right now to gain peace, calm, ease and totality of the truth of who I am. I believe our world is going in this direction and there is a lot of letting go, releasing, allowing, acceptance, growth and openness being demanded of us. It feels like we can choose kicking and screaming or trusting and flowing in our truth with what is being shown to us. I am doing my best with trust and flow over the kicking and screaming. It just feels better to me. And, I believe we are going the direction we are going no matter which we choose. I choose freedom to live who I am; again and again and again.

May you choose freedom to be you from the most loving and open place inside of you.

If you feel turmoil, may you believe that through this turmoil - on the other side - is the freedom to easily live the life that is yours to live.

May you let yourself feel all the human feelings within you and that come up. May you choose to allow the spiritual oneness and love, along with the human demands create the you that you so want to live.

This humanness can weigh me down and, if I let it, the spiritual inner knowing can always win.

We cannot run with our tail up, smiling all the time because this is not the human experience. The totality of the human experience shows us great light and it also shows us great darkness. The spiritual side of us knows that all is great light and that to be human is to win or to learn. Life is flowing just as it is supposed to or it wouldn't be so is what I tell myself.

May we all learn loving ourselves and, in this, may we only be and share love with each other.

This, perhaps, is where spirit and humanness work best together.

Blessings to you all. Blessings in the way that you learn with as much ease as possible and love with as much kindness as possible.

May you choose the best of you and, in this, choose the greatest of all paths... loving kindness.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!