Be U: Let It Be So

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, January 4, 2018

Let It Be So

It is snowing in many parts of the United States. Lots of blizzardly, windy, cold northern air is hitting the land. Cold, ice, and inches of the white stuff has closed schools, businesses, roads and stopped outdoor activities.

I remember there being a tranquility in the air when this happens. I remember the beautiful scene of ice covered bare tree branches and untouched fallen snow.

Here in Florida, USA, it is cold. Colder (way colder) than usual. 37 degree F. This is brrr weather for me. I feel my body clamping down on itself as I breathe deep and do my best to expand and stay open. It is easier knowing that this weather is short lived here. I know it will be warm in a day or two; or soon anyway. This brings me great comfort.

While I enjoy the freshness of the brisk air, my body responds with purple hands, nose and toes. My circulation slows down. My body aches and cries for warmth; for cover(s).

I am living in Florida. Something I have wanted to do since I was 19 years old. Something I have done since I was 40 when we purchased our first house here. We always kept the house up north and would travel back and forth each year.

We no longer have the house up north and this is the only home we own. I am grateful for living here and it is not as I envisioned. I am not thriving. I am letting myself be held back. I had a doctor up north for 30 years who was helpful and informed (as best as a doctor can be regarding scleroderma). Pain medication was given to me. I had to be talked into not feeling guilty about it. Times have changed. Only pain doctors give out pain pills now and they are not versed in scleroderma. I have to prove to them each month that I am not an addict and that I am 'playing' by the rules. I know for certain that my least favorite day of each month is the day I visit the pain management place. They count my pills. I sign a form that says I am not selling or getting pain medicine elsewhere. They take random drug tests. I find myself wishing that I could somehow be deemed 'medically necessary' and not have to go through this (what feels like) shame and distrust every month for as long as I am taking/needing pain medicine. I do know that I am choosing to continue feeling this way. I do know that I am the only one that can change my thinking regarding this.

I hurt more when it is cold. I function less when it is cold. My performance is decreased in the cold. I feel more battered.

I understand that the new rules are to help people that are taking these medicines in ways that are hurting them quickly; in ways that are actually killing people. I don't understand that there is not a better way for people that have chronic pain.

I guess it is in the journey. It is now being addressed. This issue that narcotics kill, harm and make us addicted/dependent.

So much is being uncovered. With awareness, truth and openness comes light being shone on what is dark.

We are 'shifting' and while this is a good thing, it is not an easy thing.

For me, it comes back to trusting myself, trusting the process of life and loving one's self and one another through. It is the best 'feel good' way that I know. I like the feel good ways over the stress, chaos and fighting.

When we can speak, share and live our truth from a place of love, we win. We win as best we can. We know fulfillment because we are standing in our truth; in our own love.

So, while currently, this isn't the Florida I pictured, I am grateful for the Florida weather. The liveliness of nature and the warmth and ease of not having to wear so many layers and big winter coats (usually). I love the ocean. I love the vastness of it; the sound of it. I love taking in the rolling blue waves with white tips closing in on the shore. I love the warmer air caressing me.

We all have our good and not so good. May you let the good of what you see, know and feel be more powerful than the not so good. May you know the blessings and beauty in your life.

Everything changes. May we meet life where it is at and from where we are at. May you love yourself through. Accept what is as you stay open to change.

May you create peace from within knowing that everything always works out. We are okay even when we do not feel so. We handle it. We live through it. We can always choose love.

As I open up to the day just as I am and just as it is... I notice what it is that I think South Florida snow looks like. I share it with you.

May you see the upside, goodness, peace, joy and love in your day. It is yours to see. It is always there. Sometimes, we just have to look a bit harder.

What Florida snow looks like to me... Ha!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!