Be U: Just Do It

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Just Do It

It has been cold here in warm, sunny Florida, USA since yesterday. I see how it is extra cold in many places. It is extra hot in others.

I want to share what is inside of me through the experience of me and I feel frozen; unable; scared; tired and uncertain as I am learning and connecting to more and more people who read what I write.

It is much easier for me to write to you, my unknown friend. It is much easier to bare my soul when I don't have to be accountable or questioned.

I stopped taking the medical marijuana for several days now. I am back to taking more of the pain medicine that the doctor gives me. I really don't like how I feel on either. I just know that I don't love how I feel and I am running out of options.

I am wishing for professional help. I have learned that there is not much help with the dis-ease of scleroderma and not much documented in the field of pain medicine vs. medical marijuana. I find myself at the forefront of the unknown again.

I can look at it as exciting and there are many possibilities. I can look at it as tiring and 'egad'. I seem to go back and forth. I seem to be lost. I seem to be stuck. I am at a large crossing and I'm not feeling great or ecstatic of any of the options (and non-options) front and center.

This has been a long road. I am grateful for all that I have learned and the empowerment from so many lessons. I am tired of the struggle and the stand alone places that I find myself.

I am sorry for the people that love me. I am grateful for the people that love me.

I trust the process of life. I don't always love the process of life.

This is a new day. I want to feel it, look at it and live it as such. This was the first new year that new hope wasn't in me. Just because the calendar shows a new date doesn't mean that there are new possibilities readily and easily available as changing our calendars.

I find myself in tired despair. I find myself not knowing what step to take next. I find myself open to learning more. I find myself not knowing where this 'more' is.

So, I feel the moments go by; the days go by. They seem to be going by so fast. I am grateful for the people that connect to me. I am grateful for what is inside of me.

I want to live what is inside of me out. This is a great first start. And, I know there is more for me.

May I stop being fearful and go after certain moments that arise. May I open up to courage and be true to what is and who is present. May I live me fully.

May you stop being whatever is holding you back to letting the full You live out loud. Live as you are until you know how to live differently. Live yourself fully as much and as often as possible.

We all have something that we think we'd rather not have. 'Have' whatever it is you 'have' and still let the blessing of you out. Share your gifts. Be your gifts. Live your gifts.

In this, your life and, most likely, others' lives will be greater fulfilled.

Amen. So it is. Bring it on. Let's do this.

I simply post this picture because I like it. I think it is cool, rad, bad, sick and awesome. May you do something just because you like it. May you connect to your cool, rad, bad, sick and awesome self. Connect through love. Connect through vitality. Connect to what makes you the most you.

May you just do it because there is something in you that wants you to.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!