Be U: Heavy

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Heavy

I'm feeling heavy this morning. Some thing is weighing me down.

Tapping in to the depth of myself, I learn new things each and every time. Sometimes it is not the 'thing' so much, but, perhaps, a new way of looking at the same thing.

My body talks loudly to me. It helps me to know when I am on a path that is for me or when I may be veering off from where it is best for me to be.

I cancelled pilates today. I feel the need to go inward; stay inward and explore what is here. Movement does often help me with exploring. And, today, it just doesn't feel right.

I went back and forth with - but it's good for me - but I'd be pushing - but I often push - but today I don't want to push - let it be so - push - let it be - it is okay - I am okay - honor where I'm at.

The fight within. The fight between what our brains want and what our bodies want. The fight between right and wrong. The fight with what we want and what we need. The fight between our experiences in the past and a new experience from right where we are today. The fight within. I believe this is part of being human.

And, as we let go of the fight, ease, light and love just happen. They take over. They lead us to peace within.

This is where I want to live from. This is my forever goal.

I get glimpses of this often now. I cannot ever stay in this place of peace within. I like to believe that this is just the way it is for me for now and it is okay. I am a work-in-progress.

May you believe that where you are is where you are supposed to be for now and let the peace within rise up and out; as often and as much as possible. You are a work-in-progress.

Love yourself through. Be aware of the fight within (if there is one present). Open up to letting it be. Open up to being true to you. Be aware of the peace within (fully embrace it when you have it). Know gratitude for it all. It is You living You.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemy. May you be your own best friend.

Miracles happen every day. YOU are a miracle.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!