Be U: A Stationary Trip

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, June 8, 2017

A Stationary Trip

I went on a 'trip' yesterday but my body stayed in the same place..

I went to a 'healer' who did muscle testing work and energy work. I've experienced this many times in the past and it was usually spot on and fun. It still was. It isn't easy 'work' because I choose to look at myself in the full light of me and facing some unpleasant memories and current emotions and experiences is not always easy.

This being human - for me - is not always easy. Ha!

I now [usually always] know exactly what feelings are going on with me, for me and through me. I shared what came up for me and we 'played' with each item as it did. He could feel and understand what I offered and he offered his own things that surfaced for him. He was brilliant. He was completely open and I appreciate this. Openness is the best way to go; openness with loving support.
I have learned to give a voice to all of me. I HAVE LEARNED TO GIVE A VOICE TO ALL OF ME. If I don't use my voice, I will never be heard... I hope to offer who I am, what I need and how I feel a loving voice always.

Basically, I still dealt with the dad thing - the experience of my dad leaving at a very young age and the experience of this brought me to unworthiness and led me to shut down my feelings and had me experiencing 'looking for love in all the wrong places', so to speak. Being love but not giving myself the same love as I offer out. And, what was even more interesting is how at age 57, I am still letting these feelings that became built-in (deep inside my cells) as me experiencing life through and not the truth of who I am now. I was still not letting me be who I've worked so hard to reconnect to and be; who I want to experience as now... my true me live. I'm living through the me I became because of certain situations. I didn't know how to stay true to me. I now know that I can and I'm supposed to and it is my job to live the me I am now through the truth of myself sharing my truth and not holding back and still being love. (How many layers and layers and layers and layers of this must I go through... the answer, I suppose, is as many as it takes...)

My take home was to know the cleansing of the divine within me. I never experienced life though this. I know the wholesomeness, the beauty, the cleansing is a part of me - I never fully experienced this with my senses and my mind working together in this. So, this is what I 'play' with now. This is what I wake up to this morning stretching and feeling the cleansing of the universe - the fountain of cleansing - within me. I bathe in it. I open up to it.

I look in the mirror and see the spots on my face and immediate react negatively. So, I turn full circle, look back into the mirror and see the 'fantasticism' that is staring back. The 'empoweringness' within/behind/in this is WOW. BAM.

This is where I want to live my day from...

So, I shall - as best I can.

May you find the WOW and the BAM in you and may you choose to live forward in your WOWness and your BAMness...

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!