Be U: Butterflies

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Butterflies

I have unresolved anxiety going through my body. My breathing is more shallow and I am uncomfortable and frustrated. I have felt this way for a few days now and I want to ignore it and pretend it is not happening. I definitely don't want it to be present.

Alas, it is.

There is a fear inside of me. A feeling of being unsafe and not protected. I think it is from hearing about and witnessing [on the TV and through others] many stressful and scary situations and I am letting myself feel that it is more real life than the friendly, helpful, caring and loving world that I have first hand witnessed as well - even moreso.

There is talk about scary things. There is talk of people being unsettled and angry. There is talk of people being sick and challenged to the max. There is change and cameras everywhere.

How does one feel safe when such an environment is felt within. Is it even real...   Is it less real and more imagined... Is it real somewhat and taken care of too... and is it just plain real in certain situations...

How do I connect myself to the feeling of safety and relax. Relaxing from the inside out...

I take a deep breath. I tell myself that in this moment I am okay. I am okay with everything that is surrounding me and involving me. I am safe in this moment. In this current moment, I am okay.   I may not feel it. I may feel a host of things. And, in truth, in this moment, I am okay as I sit here and type these words and sentences out.

I take another deep breath and wonder why I've gotten myself so freaked out. How can I let go of this 'freak out' and sit heavily in peace...

I become aware of the chair underneath me supporting me. I feel my feet on the floor. I feel my shoulders relax. Even as I feel spastic energy within 'bebopping' all through me, I know - my brain ensures me - that I am okay. Something within ensures me I am ok and will continue to be ok - through it all. I am just living the human experience - my human experience. It is as it is best for me.

I ask for calm. I ask for breath. I ask to let go. I ask of myself to change things up and let it pass.

I connect to the trust inside of myself that knows I will know what to do when the time comes to know.   I connect to the truth inside of myself that I have survived everything in my past with a 100% survival record. I connect to the complete relaxation and heaviness of my body in this moment. I connect to my breath as my mind lets go of the thoughts that created this anxiety.

In this moment, I am okay. It is how I roll. Ha!

May you breathe into yourself and hold on to the calm, the letting go, the relaxation that is yours to own. May you know that in this moment, you are okay. No matter what is going on, you are still okay in this moment.   You may not like what you are feeling or what you are dealing with, but in this moment you are okay.

Trust that everything you need for this lifetime you already have.   Everything that you want to be, you already have it within you to be so.

May you let your heart lead you. May you let your soul soothe you. May you let your knowing be comforting.

May you let yourself feel and be what you feel and are in this moment. Let peace in. Let love in. Let an open heart and an open mind present this moment in life to you.

May you let yourself be you.   Feel it all. Allow it all. Love through it all... as best you can.

Group hug. We have this.

Experience your humanness as this is what we are on this earth to do.   May you experience it as only you can; from a place of compassion, gentleness and openness.

Let the butterflies fly gently. Let who you are be enough... because it/you are.

No comments:

Post a Comment

My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!