The Same Person

Are you the same person you were when you were little?  Do you feel the same way underneath it all?   Are you connected to that little you?  Is that young you in the adult you?

(here we go)

I remember when I realized I was nothing like the little girl I was.  I think I 'killed' her off or 'buried' her away.  I did not have a connection to that little girl other than a few memories of her childhood.  I did not feel like the same person then and now.  That little person was someone I knew; not someone I was.  I was astounded to discover this. 

I went home and asked my then boyfriend (who is now my husband (crazy guy)) if he was the same person he was when he was young.  He said most definitely.  Wow.  This was a shocker to me.

As I continue on this path; as I learn about myself and allow myself to be me, I am finding and connecting to this little girl again.  She is who I am now.  How peaceful and exciting and right for me.

I went as far as using my dominant hand to write a letter to my little self; myself as a little girl.  I then used my less dominant hand to write a letter from my little girl to my adult self.  It was very strange and a little unnerving but my little self was so happy to finally get recognition and someone to care for her the way she needed to be cared for.  I think she said "I am so happy you are here".  It's been a long, tedious process.  However, together we 'rock' and together we share and together we know and give and love.   My adult self now has many, many more 'tools' and abilities to guide and love and comfort the little girl inside of me that so needed guidance and love and comforting. 

She is my joy and I am her safety net. 

I hear that abused children leave themselves sometimes to be able to survive.  I guess I did the same thing.  I was not physically abused or abused verbally forthright even.  I chose to shut down, turn off, not feel because there was too much pain in the adults that were around me.  I did not want to create any more pain for them by them needing to deal with me.  So I gave up the person I was.  My thoughts, my dreams, my needs; I buried or dissolved.  I molded myself into what others needed me to be to be able to cope with their lives (as much as I could anyway).  I'm sure I wasn't always hiding within.

I rejoice in knowing and being the person I was born as.  I am sure I still have a way to go.  My guess is that I will always be growing.  Connecting with my little self was probably one of the most joyful connections I have made in this lifetime.

Where is your little self?  Is he/she right there with you?  Dare you talk to her/him? 

Not sure this can be done easily without feeling really weird and off the charts at first!  Not sure this can be done easily at all.  It was not easy for me. 

I do know it can be done.  With courage, truth, love and acceptance, anything just might be possible.

Where No One has Gone Before

I e-mailed a doctor this morning and asked her if she thought my head spinning and feeling dizzy would be caused by one thought cell going 'where none have gone before'?   I answered as well --   yes, correct?

I laughed at myself;  I thought this was pretty amusing!  I feel like this is brutally true for me.  My thought process is getting less and less scared to venture off it's main stream of what I have taught it to do.  I am allowing it to go where it wants/needs to go.  I am getting closer and closer to who I really am and it's okay.  It is not at all easy for me, however.  I am finally owning what I feel and think with love.   Letting go of the judgment and the constant 'it can't be like this'; it shouldn't be like this; no one else thinks like this; 'they'll think I'm nuts'  thinking process.    whew. 

Where are all your thought cells today?

Is my computer now floating and turning in the air or is that my head?  ha.  (dizzy and spinning) 

Gift-Giving: A Thought to Ponder

When we give a person a gift, is it from our own knowing, is it to fulfill our own satifaction and can it make us happy.  Is it possible our gift giving is for ourselves, maybe, as well as for others?

I remember way back when I had just given a woman, a doctor of mine, a gift.  She immediately got into that me giving her a gift was for my self.  My self satisfaction/self happiness/self fulfillment of some kind.  I immediately thought she was nuts and asked her to keep going with it.

She explained that she had no idea I was giving her a gift so if I didn't give her one, nothing would change with her life.  She went on to say, although she enjoyed the gift and it made her smile, the feeling that I got from giving her the gift was what I really was establishing for myself.  I admitted it made me feel good, kind and loving.  And, I said "I did it for you though". 

We went on and on for one-half hour or so and then I finally got it.  I did give her the gift because it was something I thought to do; something I wanted to do; something that made me happy.  I did it thinking it was going to make her happy, when, in reality, I really didn't know if it would or not.  I did know that it made me feel good.

So, what possesses us to give a gift?  Is it our self or is it another?  Where does that first and last thought about the gift come from?  We first think to give the gift and then we may react to how the person accepts the gift.  Is it about self?  Does it come from within or somewhere else? 

Gift-giving - a thought to ponder, perhaps.

When I first thought about creating this blog, I thought about sharing and helping others to grow into themselves; into being you.  In reality, I don't know how other people respond to it.  I do know that it helps me immensely with my own growth;  faith in my self and trust in my thoughts and feelings.  Interesting, indeed.

What does gift giving do for you? 

Quiet Day

In my mind, it's a quiet day.  No running thoughts to share, no fighting with myself; my mind seems to be shut off some.  Quiet.

Feels different.  Feels abnormal.  Feels nice.

Quiet, peaceful.  No threats to fear, promises to keep, questions to ponder.

Quiet.

Just Be.

How did I get here?  Not one particular way.  It is as it is.

All is good in my world. 

Feel like tapping into your quiet? 

Am I asleep?  ha.

A Dear Friend's Awesome Point of View

My dear friend, who I have known for over 34 years, e-mailed this to me after I told her to look at my answer on my Adrenaline post to her question 'What do I want from life'.  This is her response to that.

I posted not sure if it comes off  (I still see 0 comments on all my posts; perhaps soon I'll want to figure this out and lose the fear of feedback making me fearful of writing honestly.)


Totally awesome!!!~ We all kid about aging, but aging is a wonderful thing. It gives us perspective. When we're young, we want to conquer. Conquer new things, experience new things, meet new people - yes, it's an adrenaline rush. But as we get older, we get much more pleasure from sharing those experiences we've had with others, with knowing we can count on those friends we've made along the way, and confident in ourselves that if we just want to sit and meditate and enjoy a leaf falling to the ground, then we are comfortable doing that. Because that is joy not everyone is privileged to have. Not the blind person, not the person who died too soon, not the person afraid to go outside, not the person who is in a hospital fighting a dreaded disease. Every moment, no matter how, or how small -- is life. And it's usually the small things that are the most memorable. I love you.

More beautiful words have never been typed.  Thank you for letting me share this.

What 'small' thing did you or will you allow yourself to really enjoy today? 

Sometimes We Just Need to Stop and Rest

Sometimes we just need to stop and rest for a bit.  Our human body was made to withstand a lot.  However, constant running without downtime is not one of them.   We cannot optimally function without great sleep and loving rest.   Resting out of desperation is not what I wish for us.  Resting because we want to and it makes us happy.  Now, this is where it's at!  There is where you can Be U! 

Adrenaline

When I look up adrenaline in the dictionary, epinephrine comes up.

  Epinephrine means 

1.

Biochemistry . a hormone secreted by the adrenal medulla upon stimulation by the central nervous system in response to stress, as anger or fear, and acting to increase heart rate, blood pressure, cardiac output, and carbohydrate metabolism.

 

I think I lived a lot of my life on high adrenaline.  I was always upbeat, highly alert and happy.  My love of life and people and doing new things was a constant.  I felt like I was always, at the very least, on the verge of fight or flight if not fully engaged.  I think I believed (and part of me still does) I felt more alive and living when I was up and running; out and about; planning and building.  Stillness to me was boring and not living.

 

What comes to my mind is a Cranial Sacral Therapist saying to me there is nothing more to life than this, than what we are doing, thinking and being.  There is nothing else out there.  This is life and living, right here; right now.  Those words gave me a sense to stop trying so hard to achieve nothing;  to stop wanting there to be more when there wasn't.  To accept this as truth.

 

So, now it was time to come down off my almost constant adrenaline rush.  It's time for me now to be with what is.  To experience reality and allow valleys and peaks; laughter and quiet. 

 

I sometimes function better in chaos.  I sometimes feel more alive when I'm running around with too much to do.  I almost feel proud that there is so much going on.  When I tell people I'm relaxing and doing nothing - I feel less worthy.  When I tell people I'm flying here or there - I feel more worthy.  Sitting and doing nothing - not much to talk about it seems.  Flying to see a friend or go on vacation or go to a conference - a whole lot more exciting.? 

 

However, they are both living; are they not?  Is the balancing of this like the Yin and the Yang.  I remember going and going and going and then taking two days off to just lay around and sleep and eat.  I did this for years.  This was how I balanced it before I was a mom.  After being a mom, it wasn't quite so easy to do either one.  I let myself become unbalanced.  I wouldn't say boredom was an option.  Taking off at a whim was no longer an option for me either.

 

I want to accept life as it is.  When my girlfriend asked me what do I want out of life not too long ago; I didn't have an immediate response.  I told her I'd get back to her.  I have not as of yet.

 

What I now know that I want out of my life is to share life.  Share sitting around and doing nothing with flying to one of my favorite places.  I want to do this whether I'm in pain or whether I'm feeling good.  I want to let things be and do new things.  I want to smile and laugh when I'm happy and cry or be down when I'm sad.  I want to be honest with myself and others about who I really am.  I want others to be plenty comfortable to share who they really are with me.  Nothing more; nothing less.  Connection to others might be the most important thing to me.

 

I also want to learn how doing whatever it is I want to do without turning my adrenaline so high.  I can be on low adrenaline and still get the job done.  I can be on low adrenaline and still be loving and lovable.

 

It is what it is and I accept this as life and living.  Everything we need, we already have to be happy.  Is it just a choice to be happy?  If so, I choose happy right here, right now in this moment.

 

Are you with me?