Be U: I Have Missed You

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, January 15, 2020

I Have Missed You

Wow. Where do I begin. ...

Yesterday I had an appointment that I was late for. Today I find myself early for an appointment. It was in my phone correctly and I didn’t ‘see’ it correctly. My mind didn’t process this correctly.

How many times have I been doing this lately; and for how long has it gone on...

It does feel like change is huge inside of me and throughout my life.

I was sick in bed for 16 days in December. Doctors labeled it ‘bronchitis’. I feel it was so much more. Wiped me out. I lost 10 pounds, was unable to walk the dog and I was not associating with life or the world outside of myself. It wasn’t possible.

It feels like my DNA changed. I feel different.

I have not had a cold; a cough; the flu or anything like this in close to 30 years. It was a ‘yikeser’ for me. I coughed; had fevers; threw up; hardly ate and was very weak.

I’m 95% better than when this had me down and out and I feel like I’m starting my life and myself from new perspectives, new health, new knowledge and new vibration(s).

It feels unknown. It feels uncomfortable and strange. It feels like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

There is an un-calm in me. I find myself focusing on every moment I’m in. I hear myself saying I’m taking a step. I’m taking a deep breath. I’m hanging my towel on a hook. I’m seeing this. I’m hearing that. I’m feeling the A/C. I’m feeling the phone in my hands; the seat underneath me. I’m hearing quiet chatter from the people around me.

This, I find, keeps me in the present moment. This moment. It invites my inner calm. This is what I crave just now.

Thoughts of anything past this moment or anything previous to this moment, currently, do not bring me the calm I so vitally desire.

May you function and live in a way that what you desire and crave now creates and open doors for the possibility of same.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!