Be U: Cycle or Flow

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, January 24, 2020

Cycle or Flow

I seem to be stuck in a cycle within my head and thoughts that are causing me concern and discomfort.

It seems that I go in and out and I don't want to be in this at all, ever.

I hear myself wondering why I feel like I do and is it something that I need to be concerned about.

When, in reality, I know that as I get out of my own way; my own head; my own thoughts, life is much more enjoyable.

I'm alone this week; 8 days. I talk to people, I see a few people and I have my animals. With the way that I am telling myself I feel, I don't feel like reaching out and/or getting out.

I know that this is not helping and, just now, I don't know how to do or be different. Even just to sit and get my hair done... it is not in me to do so.

I'm honoring this as best I can and I, at times, can easily put the 'L' on my forehead and think 'Loser'.

There is a part of me that knows honoring, allowing and flowing with how I feel can be super productive and one of the hardest things to do.

There is a part of me that can think I'm just being lazy. I definitely find myself feeling scared and I, deeply, believe that there is a strong lesson within all of this and to 'play' it out and 'see' where I end up can be extremely awesome and liberating.

I did go out with appointments that I wouldn't cancel. I did not enjoy it. I looked forward to getting home.

It has been very cold here. Uncommonly cold. Cold is not my friend. Cold hurts me. My hands were purple and my body constricted and painful.

Another 'avenue' I have been exploring is - is this the Scleroderma, the dis-ease that I was labeled with. Is this the medicine I am on. Is this something else. It is what it is. It is not what it isn't. Ha.

So, as my thoughts are not a pleasant course of action. As I know that I am not being here now in this moment as often as I'd like to create a full day of enjoyment and/or peace within, this is where I'm at.

What is a woman to do... !

I breathe. I count my blessings. I feel grateful for the times that peace is within me. I do bring my true self into each communication. I'm open to doing better as I do know better. I am open to being my own best friend.

This is, also, me feeling sorry for me. Sorry that cold bothers me. Sorry that I am choosing to be alone. Sorry that I feel like I do. Sorry that I'm not choosing or able to choose to create easier for myself.

This is, also, me open to what is. Allowing what comes up for me to come up. Allowing awareness. Allowing all my feels. Playing 'me' through being me until something within me changes. Until something outside of myself encourages change. Change will happen.

So, wherever you are; whatever you are doing; whatever you are feeling; whatever you are allowing; whatever you are creating; whatever you are open to...

May you be aware of it all. Be extra awesome and kind to yourself and delve into the lesson(s) that is present even if there are no clues available to really know what it is...

Walk on forward, thru and out and let this journey that you find yourself in be.

There will be great journeys; hard journeys; unknown journeys; journeys within the journeys.

This is being human. This is life. This is you. This is yours.

You are living right now in exactly what is deemed by the universe; by God; by our higher power to journey through.

You have you. You were born with everything you need to live your life in its entirety.

Believe and breathe and be and bask and Bam... Let your life always come back to being true You.

I send you love. I believe in you. You matter. You are enough just as you are.

May you be aware if you are in some kind of cycle or if you are letting life flow through you. May you know what feels best and be open to it.

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!