Be U: Verge

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

Verge

I am on the verge.   I am on the verge of many things, changes, possibilities and challenges.

I do not know how to put what I am feeling/processing and where I'm at into words easily.

A medicine that I have been on for more than 5 years, daily, is no longer being manufactured by the manufacturer. I was already being challenged with having to get a new and written script from the doctor on a monthly basis and physically pick it up and take it to the pharmacy. I have been waiting two days for this medicine to be filled and today they tell me they don't know when they will be able to fill it.   I must pick the same prescription up and take it elsewhere.  Oh joy.   Not.

I have a Life Coach certification in my name now and I'm on the verge of something with this.   It is exicting, unknown and I feel a wonderful adventure coming on.

For the first time in twenty years, my husband has been home for three weeks in a row and has not had to travel. This is wonderful having him here and knowing I have to let him go again is messing with my mind just now.

I have a very near and dear friend coming for a visit with her family in a few weeks and I look very forward to this. To fit everyone in this house compared to my other home will be an interesting dynamic to play with. It isn't about size, space and comfort as much as it is about sharing life and togetherness. Or so, I keep telling myself; as I do believe it to be true. I was just fortunate to have it all in the past. I do know gratefulness for same as I also can find myself being fearful as my past, being a hostess, days were so comfortable and awesome.

My momma duck that was out front had her babies and they have already left the nest and they waddled and tripped behind her; but kept up and looked adorable. I am so grateful that I got to experience this and watch them. What a gift!

Life is showing us new ways; better ways. We must let go of the old way and discover and embrace these new ways to allow living to work best.   They are there. We only need believe and tap into them.

So, being on the verge is not a negative thing. It can feel like a scary thing.   It can feel like an exciting thing. We get to choose.

When you find yourself on the verge of anything,
May you choose what uplifts you to carry on and walk your best self into your best situation. My wish.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!