Be U: Past-Present-Current-Forward Flow

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Past-Present-Current-Forward Flow

Where do I begin on this one. My thoughts spin and I feel a resistance to be here.   I know it is important for me to give this all I have and I am an adult child wondering if this is a good time to throw a tantrum. ?

I went to the 'brain institute' today with the question of why [at nighttime] do I feel like I am going to call this person, go to this place, get done this item and do this errand; and it all sounds exciting and doable. Then, I wake up in the morning and the excitement of same is gone and in its place is not really wanting to do anything; especially not the things that I was so excited to do upon going to sleep.

What came up was that, perhaps, I really do not truly want to do them... or better yet, I THINK I have to do them the way I used to do them -- high energy, high energy expenditure, totally on and with ease, clarity, power, joy and excitement.

In other words, my old way...

I have been out of my old way for a very long time. So much has changed within and without for my self and my life. I couldn't possibly do things the way I did at 30 at 50. And, in truth, nor do I want to.

So, to go back to the gym - I hesitate because subconsciously I think I need to go back as the personal trainer in the best of shape... Well, that won't happen!.! I think I have to meet up with a friend and four hours later still be with the friend laughing and having a blast.   To go out to do errands and end up on the beach instead.... This is how I used to do things - by the seat of my pants and with just me in mind. (So, if you are in this place in your life - ENJOY your freedom! - It will change; most likely.)

It is impossible now and I don't really want that.   BUT, what do I want.

I seem to have lost the transition from motherhood to myself after motherhood. I think me being sick and unable to do a lot of things while my daughter was transitioning through her own life and it took a lot of my energy (and I'm glad to have done it this way) to just be a mom and a wife and a housekeeper that I, the woman, was left dormant and unevolved socially.

I also consciously (perhaps because of illness) did choose to go inward and learn all about humanness, spirituality, my mind, my body, connection to all and even disconnect of some.

So,

I want to go to the gym and feel the best I can feel (and look) at age 55. I want to go meet a friend and have a few laughs and share a few stories and then go home and maybe even take a nap. I want to go out and do errands and not watch the clock on how long I am away from the house and the dogs.   I want to do this leisurely, joyfully and as powerfully as I can.

Where to begin...    One step at a time. Take a first step..

I did do pushups and leg lifts last night. I went out for an errand or two today. I found myself not wanting to stay out long.   I did make a call to a friend.   I did make a lunch date with another friend.

Baby steps are allowed. AND, I think the most important thing of all for me is to be kind to myself. To accept that what I feel, think, want and am is okay.   I preach 'Just Be U'. I know it is because I so just want to be me. I will best be able to help others as I best 'walk my talk'.

I surely am my worst enemy many a situation when it comes to this subject of living me. The finding (for me) feels like the easy part now. The doing and living for me is what I want to pursue with a loving vengeance.

They say that awareness comes first.   I've had this awareness for some time now.   I have put new words to it and highlighted specific action now. All I can do is be open to it all; watch; participate and get 'er done! Hoot!

May you be aware of the change you are ready to take. May you be open to it; watch; participate and get 'er done!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!