Be U: Uncertain

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Uncertain

I am uncertain where I am this morning. I wake up to bright sunshine, high humidity and everything is still very wet from all the powerful storms we have been having daily at 4 pm(ish) here in South Florida, USA.

I miss my daughter greatly. It is very different from having my awesome child in my life almost everyday for close to 20 years and then poof, she is out in the world, doing her thing, living her life and here I am left to construe and reconstruct my own life in this new way of having a relationship with one's adult child. It's huge. It was so much more fun when I was the one leaving the nest!

I trust that she has all the tools she needs to be her best self. I trust that, when she does get challenged, she will know what to do and/or who to turn to.

Her happiness is what a mother (me) wants most. When our children thrive, oh life is good. When they do not, while life may still be good, it surely doesn't feel the same as when our loved ones are fulfilled.

Just now, she is 'flying' without me. She wants and needs to. She is ready to become her own self and live her own life. She has a way, yet, as, she is not completely independent. And, I know she will get there and she will do fabulously.

I am sad and I understand.   I am experiencing discomfort and I honor her way. It is not my way, but it is her way and this is what I've spent the last 20 years doing... Teaching her to know and live her way. I never thought it would include her not wanting to share her life with me. Alas, this is not completely true.   I do know that in order for a child to be able to leave the nest, they must put differences and discomfort here.   If everything was peachy dory here - they could not be as easily there.

I trust she will come back to me as a grown young woman when she is ready.   I trust/hope that she will always find her way because she has been taught well enough. I hope she knows she is always welcomed home.

I trust that she will want me in her life again. I surely hope so.

But, for now, it is my time to consider me and who and what I am as a lone woman with a grown child.

What a cross to bear.... Noone teaches us this. No manual for this. I do know that this is life - the process of life and I trust the process of life.   Feeling it isn't as pleasant as trusting it.   My heart aches for my daughter's presence in my life.   I stand strong (albeit a wee weary and a bit sad) as she stabilizes herself and creates, grows and walks the paths that are in her being to walk. I know pride, hope, awe and love.

I love you with all that I am my lovely and brilliant daughter. You are my heart. You will always be my heart and wherever you are, you are still in my heart; way up high on top of my priority list.   It's just the way this mom's heart is.

May you allow your heart to be shared, honored and truthful.

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!