Be U

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Today

Today I choose to go out and have some fun. I'm having lunch with my sisters and then maybe a little adventure.

May you do something today that feels wonderful in/for your heart.

Sometimes

Sometimes it feels better to allow and help other people to know their bliss. I sure feel happy when the 'kids' I love know happiness.

It's right up there after a really good workout and the endorphins are running rampant and the body is completely satisfied and exhilarated.

To see 'my kids' happy and living life makes my heart truly happy.

So, it certainly is okay to lose myself in other people's lives when I know they are living in their happy place.

However, it would just be more preferred if we all could live in our happy place. I know this is possible. I have lived it.

I want to encourage, watch and allow people to get their happy on. I just don't want my head spinning because I give too much of me away.

I want to better balance this. How do I choose to keep some of me for me.

May you, mostly, always choose to keep some of you for you.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Direction

It seems like I'm going in every direction but the one I want to today.

Somedays are just like this AND I'm fighting it. If I would just relax and go with it. But, NOooooo.

Everyone is here for me and helping me and I can only focus on their needs.

What is up with that.

How screwy can one person be?

Is it just that I'm done with this way of living and I want to move on and I do not know how. I want to bring everyone with me; however, this, most likely, is not possible.

Acceptance is key and right now my key is missing....

I've got nothing.....

Reacting

I awoke this morning knowing that it was much cooler outside. It was approximately 15 degrees cooler outside.

My arms and hands were tight and swollen. I went out with the dogs and I felt the cooler air. However, it was different for me. I didn't tighten up and become too uncomfortable. I saw the pool water steaming because the water in the pool was much warmer than the air.

Why do I see dollar signs going up with the steam? The pool heater is doing it's job.

There are still signs of the storm all around. Much debris and dying limbs from the trees. The ground is saturated. I will not have to water my flowers for some time.

The workers are coming today. It will be nice to get some of the outstanding jobs done.

I still feel stuck as to the direction I am going to go. I know I need change of some kind. I don't like admitting it AND my worth is tied into this change somehow. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing and being productive. I've lost that when my job description as a mom changed.

Again, this is an exciting time and a scary time for me. Am I ready? Am I able? Yes and Yes. I think so.....

I won't know until I try.

Are you working on incorporating the change that you desire in your life?

Baby steps are acceptable.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Key

Acceptance is key.

Kindness is key.

Believing is key.

Trusting is key.

Being You is key.

Do you have your key?

Tarot Wisdom

I picked up a tarot card today from the deck of "The Alchemical Tarot" by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place.

It was the Death card. XIII - #13.

"...we are ready for a new beginning. But death is necessary in order to make a fresh start. We must allow the old to pass away so that we can usher in the new. Initiation into the mysteries involves the death of one's old self."

Many things in our lives have beginnings and endings. It is the cycle of death and rebirth of "jobs, relationships, health, wealth, spiritual growth". "The trick of keeping steady on the path is knowing when it is time to let go, and allowing Death to claim what it should. Mourn and give what is passing its due, but do not linger in the grief. Something new is rising on the horizon."

Another 'coincidink'? If I had to 'guess', I'd say I was thick in the grief part....

May we all be brave enough to feel the grief part of our lives when it presents itself.

I am practicing feeling it and letting it go. This is not an easy feat for me.

Is it the loss of what I thought my life would be and is not that I am grieving....Is it the life I had and no longer do that I am grieving...

Is this reality or is this something I alone created....

Thoughts for me to ponder.

Lost

I feel lost. I'm not good at doing things the way I used to and I have yet to come up with a new way to live myself on a daily and regular basis.

I do not feel happy. I am truly lost. I find it hard to reach out to my doctors that I've known 'forever' and for me to just take care of me does not come natural today.

I so want to do and be better.

I am not in a good place. I am forcing myself to go to my rheumatoid arthritis doctor that I have seen regularly and frequently since I was 20. I am tired of not being helped to my fullest potential. I know that I am the only one that can live my fullest potential and I want it to be easy. AND, I am finding that it is not always easy. In fact, it is downright the feeling of impossible at times.

I will keep looking, keep being and keep doing me. I hope one day soon I am the me that I want to be again.

I want to feel laughter in each and every cell of my being. I do not want to feel dread in one tiniest speck of myself anymore; at least, not on a regular basis.

I have the power. Now, to figure out how to use it!

May you use your power brilliantly today.

My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!