Past-Present-Current-Forward Flow

Where do I begin on this one.  My thoughts spin and I feel a resistance to be here.   I know it is important for me to give this all I have and I am an adult child wondering if this is a good time to throw a tantrum. ?

I went to the 'brain institute' today with the question of why [at nighttime] do I feel like I am going to call this person, go to this place, get done this item and do this errand; and it all sounds exciting and doable.  Then, I wake up in the morning and the excitement of same is gone and in its place is not really wanting to do anything; especially not the things that I was so excited to do upon going to sleep.

What came up was that, perhaps, I really do not truly want to do them... or better yet, I THINK I have to do them the way I used to do them -- high energy, high energy expenditure, totally on and with ease, clarity, power, joy and excitement.

In other words, my old way... 

I have been out of my old way for a very long time.  So much has changed within and without for my self and my life.  I couldn't possibly do things the way I did at 30 at 50.  And, in truth, nor do I want to.

So, to go back to the gym - I hesitate because subconsciously I think I need to go back as the personal trainer in the best of shape...  Well, that won't happen!.!  I think I have to meet up with a friend and four hours later still be with the friend laughing and having a blast.   To go out to do errands and end up on the beach instead....  This is how I used to do things - by the seat of my pants and with just me in mind.  (So, if you are in this place in your life - ENJOY your freedom! - It will change; most likely.)

It is impossible now and I don't really want that.   BUT, what do I want.

I seem to have lost the transition from motherhood to myself after motherhood.  I think me being sick and unable to do a lot of things while my daughter was transitioning through her own life and it took a lot of my energy (and I'm glad to have done it this way) to just be a mom and a wife and a housekeeper that I, the woman, was left dormant and unevolved socially. 

I also consciously (perhaps because of illness) did choose to go inward and learn all about humanness, spirituality, my mind, my body, connection to all and even disconnect of some.

So,

I want to go to the gym and feel the best I can feel (and look) at age 55.  I want to go meet a friend and have a few laughs and share a few stories and then go home and maybe even take a nap.  I want to go out and do errands and not watch the clock on how long I am away from the house and the dogs.   I want to do this leisurely, joyfully and as powerfully as I can.

Where to begin...    One step at a time.  Take a first step..

I did do pushups and leg lifts last night.  I went out for an errand or two today.  I found myself not wanting to stay out long.   I did make a call to a friend.   I did make a lunch date with another friend. 

Baby steps are allowed.  AND, I think the most important thing of all for me is to be kind to myself.  To accept that what I feel, think, want and am is okay.   I preach 'Just Be U'.  I know it is because I so just want to be me.  I will best be able to help others as I best 'walk my talk'. 

I surely am my worst enemy many a situation when it comes to this subject of living me.  The finding (for me) feels like the easy part now.  The doing and living for me is what I want to pursue with a loving vengeance. 

They say that awareness comes first.   I've had this awareness for some time now.   I have put new words to it and highlighted specific action now.  All I can do is be open to it all; watch; participate and get 'er done!  Hoot!

May you be aware of the change you are ready to take.  May you be open to it; watch; participate and get 'er done!

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Verge

I am on the verge.   I am on the verge of many things, changes, possibilities and challenges.

I do not know how to put what I am feeling/processing and where I'm at into words easily.

A medicine that I have been on for more than 5 years, daily, is no longer being manufactured by the manufacturer.  I was already being challenged with having to get a new and written script from the doctor on a monthly basis and physically pick it up and take it to the pharmacy.  I have been waiting two days for this medicine to be filled and today they tell me they don't know when they will be able to fill it.   I must pick the same prescription up and take it elsewhere.  Oh joy.   Not.

I have a Life Coach certification in my name now and I'm on the verge of something with this.   It is exicting, unknown and I feel a wonderful adventure coming on.

For the first time in twenty years, my husband has been home for three weeks in a row and has not had to travel.  This is wonderful having him here and knowing I have to let him go again is messing with my mind just now.

I have a very near and dear friend coming for a visit with her family in a few weeks and I look very forward to this.  To fit everyone in this house compared to my other home will be an interesting dynamic to play with.  It isn't about size, space and comfort as much as it is about sharing life and togetherness.  Or so, I keep telling myself; as I do believe it to be true.  I was just fortunate to have it all in the past.  I do know gratefulness for same as I also can find myself being fearful as my past, being a hostess, days were so comfortable and awesome.   

My momma duck that was out front had her babies and they have already left the nest and they waddled and tripped behind her; but kept up and looked adorable.  I am so grateful that I got to experience this and watch them.  What a gift!

Life is showing us new ways; better ways.  We must let go of the old way and discover and embrace these new ways to allow living to work best.   They are there.  We only need believe and tap into them.

So, being on the verge is not a negative thing.  It can feel like a scary thing.   It can feel like an exciting thing.  We get to choose.

When you find yourself on the verge of anything,
May you choose what uplifts you to carry on and walk your best self into your best situation.  My wish.

Been a Long Time

It has been over a week since I have posted here on my Just 9Be U blog.   I have been living, gathering, growing and processing information in my life.

My goal here (at this blog) is always to 'touch' you in being your best and true self and to know and live in my own truth.

I have officially become a Certified Professional Life Coach!  woo hoo   whoop!

The USA has celebrated its Independence Day. 

Canada has celebrated Canada Day.

I'm sure many/all of our countries (without my awareness) have gone through experiences and changes also.

I honor them all in hope that it is for the highest good of our world.  I look forward to the day that the highest good is most prevalent over lesser than. 

The month of June has gone and the month of July is here.

There is a time for everything.  We cannot rush things calmly.   We cannot change much.   We cannot put back time nor can we forward it.  We can always change our thinking about anything. 

If something is meant to be, no matter what - it will be...  Nothing will get in its way.  If something is not meant to be, no matter what, it will not be.

As we bring our focus on what life is showing us; presenting to us and challenging and rewarding us with -- this is where our awareness and our own truth allows us to fly, know fulfillment and create from what is.

I have been more and more aware in every aspect of my life.  There is still (or perhaps a better word is 'always') a more clear focus and acceptance to be had.  I struggle with relationship to knowing I deserve, was born for, and giving myself permission to create what makes me the most joyful in every breath I take. 

Old habits do die hard.  Yet, old habits can be changed to better and new habits.   I am working with clear, concise, and a bountiful of 'did I do that?' to myself.   What did I allow; did I create; did I buy into... [is what I've been exploring].

Yes, many of these truths are not the easiest to admit to and see....   Yet, if I don't admit that everything that I am in my life is my creation, I will not have the power to 'play' with what I really do want in my life and what I really do want to create or recreate.      Good news/Bad news -- Only I have this power.

So, as I look at relationship to everything and everyone in my life....  I'm open to exploring what is; what can be; and what will be. 

May you give yourself permission to explore your feelings, your creation of your own life and be gentle, caring and loving to yourself and to others as much as possible.

May you succeed where you just know internally that this way of life is for you...

Go for it....  Go for you...  Live the life that is inside of you to live.     My wish.

May you embrace where you are at (as much as possible) as you stay open to creating your best life path.  ! 

May you trust the timing of your life.  There just may be a reason/place/plan for all of it. 

Off

I'm off to Miami for a Life Coach Certification intensive long weekend class!   I'm really doing it!

I'm as ready as I'm ever going to be and I'm very excited and grateful.

To be away from home and the animals.   To be away from the comforts of home.  To be in a hotel and learn new things and meet new people ---  WOO HOO HOO!!!!

I'm looking very forward to being me as ME.   Not a mom, not a wife, not a pet caregiver; not a house sitter.   Not even a sister or a friend.   Just ME as a woman and a human being!

It has been a long, long, long time!  My last get away was 2011, alone, when I went to Palm Springs, CA for an Inner IDEA Mind and Body Fitness Conference.

It is time.  I am ready.  

Bring it on!

May you connect to what you want to do and do it...   just do it because with everything in you -- it feels right...

My wish for you.

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to all the men out there that have taught someone self-respect, self-love and self-worth through their love that they show; as only they can.

You are important.  You are special.  You are necessary.  We are grateful for you. 

Children love their parents unconditionally.  May you be sure to let them know that you love them and may you continue to be all that you are in their lives...   extremely important.

This Champion ribbon is for you!

Thank you dads.  You truly rock!  You matter!  In fact, your influence is huge! 

May you be extra kind to yourself today.  You deserve it.

True

I'm asking myself this morning if there was one thing I needed to be more true about, what would it be...  It would be about me not having so much energy.   About me not doing too many things outside of my home.  About me feeling like a college graduate ready to start anew, conquer the world by living me and to live from this place that has become me from everything I have ever experienced, acquired, loved, and been hurt by.

To create a new chapter of the rest of my life...

For many, many years - probably since I started this blog, I have gone inward.  I have travelled inward instead of outward to all the many beautiful places in our world.   I have journeyed inward into all the depth and adventure that is me. 

I got quiet.  I shied away from people.   I learned and absorbed from a place that is me. 

Previous to this, I had travelled to many lands, experienced many things from what is in the ocean to being up in the sky.  I have snorkeled with fish and coral and helicoptered over dormant volcanoes and beautiful waterfalls.

Inwardly, I have experienced many dark caves and waded and gone deeply through many powerful feelings and emotions.

Today, if I were to be true...  I never imagined this as my life.   I never saw myself living in one extreme to another.  I never knew I could experience such great and wonderful heights and feel such low and dark places.

I have lived humanly aware (with 100% goal to do so) for the last half a decade at least.  I have previously lived numb to the humanity of my own self because I believed pain was something I did not want to experience in the now or ever again.   I have lived wide awake and walked through great loss aware of every breath, step and connection that I had with myself and others.

Sometimes, I still think I'd rather not be human.  It is always easier for me to go above (or is it under) the feelings of pain and the joy of arousal and being a body alive.

I am an Empath.  A person who feels other people's wants, desires, needs, 'lostness' and when they are found. 

I feel deeply.  It is very easy for me to get lost in the drama, insecurity, pain of my own life and/or another's.  This is why sometimes I rather not be human.

I feel deeply.  It is very easy for me to understand that hurt people hurt people.  Only a person in pain can cause pain to another living thing or being.  It is easy for me to know who we are underneath (or is it above) our humanness.

It used to be that I would go and go and then take a day or two off to just lay, eat and recharge.  I gave up this part of myself when I had a child; when I was blessed with the miracle of a beautiful and brilliant daughter.

Now, she is grown and more on her own than not, I find myself taking a month or two or three to lay, eat and recharge.   I have some catching up to do.  

I could easily call myself a loser in the small picture of today.  But, in the big picture of my life, I know that this is just what I need and when I feel guilt coming up, I ask it to dissipate.  It doesn't belong here.

I feel what I feel for real reasons.  I want to do what I do for real reasons.  I emote like I emote because of who I am and what I have been through.  I give myself permission to be me -- as often and as frequently and as self-empowering as I can be.

We all live human lives.  As we start to embrace, allow and become the truth of what we know and feel, we win at this 'game' of life.

Perhaps, this is our purpose here.  To learn to accept, be with, engage and even embrace as much of who we are as possible.  I don't know if it is humanly possible (for me at least) to embrace all that I am all of the time.

The more I do it, the easier it becomes.   The first day someone told me to look in the mirror and tell myself that I love myself - I thought they were nuts.  I probably looked at them like they had two heads as this was something that I was not understanding of or connected to.

Today, I can look in the mirror and tell myself many wonderful and loving things to myself.  I can always tell myself I love myself. 

May you realize where it is best for you to be true to yourself today and, just maybe, if you haven't already done so...  let today be the day you tell yourself in the mirror that you love yourself and you are totally awesome.   You were born awesome.  You are the only one to decide if you are awesome or not.   May you know that you are awesome and may you tell the person in the mirror looking back at you that you love them and that they are awesome...

Truly awesome on...

May you let your truly awesome out and turned on as often as possible. 

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Moving on

I have signed up for a Life Coaching Certification course.   One day I wake up excited and ready.   Another moment, I think to myself I'm nuts that I think I can do this.   Oh my humanness messes with me.

The excitement will win.  My inner knowing will win.  My calling will win.   My insecurity will be more of a whisper as I take it one step at a time.

It is in Miami, Florida and they are calling it an intensive class.  It is recognized and received by what I am learning are good and solid credentials.  While my heart, mind and soul are ready, this certification will empower me to 'sell' myself as ready and able.

I am me.   I cannot be anyone else.  I am no different than I am just now.   I am the way I am supposed to be.  I am enough.  I matter.   I care.   I love.  I'm ready.

BRING IT ON! 

May you be you.   You cannot be anyone else.  You are just as you are now.  You are the way you are supposed to be.  You are enough.  You matter.

May you care and be ready to live you the way you feel and hear you want to live.  My wish.

                                 Picture Unknown.  You have the key.  Unlock the door and walk through.