5 Years

What if what I'm involved in will matter 5 years from now....

This is what is 'tormenting' me to explore...  Because after sending my previous anxiety post out to many of my friends, many may be contemplating exactly this...

The house I am looking for, the profession I am building, the direction in which my family is going -- YES, all of this will matter 5 years from now.

I am in trust that life will unfold exactly how it is meant to for me.  I am 100% participating in the 'unfolding'.   I am aware and I am open and I stand in my truth.

Yes, I could freak out and worry and wonder all the 'what ifs'.  Yes, I could break down and cry all the 'why's'.  Yes, I can allow fear to drive me into quicker and hastier decisions.

And,  RIGHT NOW IN THIS MINUTE I AM OKAY.  I work from here.  I branch out and grow from this place inside of myself.  I look at my track record and, yes, I've made many 'mistakes'.  And, all these mistakes have brought me to here, now.  AND, I survived and I am still standing.  So, knowing this, I know I will continue to survive and do the best I can with what I have, what I know, who I am and where I am.  It is enough. 

Life changes in minutes.  Now is the best time for many of us to recreate, evolve and grow from this person that we are today, in the now.  How exciting!

Never say never because we know this is true.  Things I once thought were never possible has happened again and again. 

So, while sometimes life feels impossible, it never truly is. 

And, at this point, I'd like to repeat because I truly believe....

May you know you were born to 'have this' and you have everything in you to move onward, upward and forward from here. 

Anxiety

I have a lot of anxious energy with me as I awake this morning.  I hear the landscapers blowing their blowers that beautify the grounds.  My dogs are waiting very nicely to go for their walk. 

I have my cleaning friends coming today to help me with keeping the apartment clean and extra comfortable.  I strip the beds so that the bedding will be ready to be used when they arrive. 

My whole family is living here just now.  We are used to living in open and somewhat separate areas; at least where we 'plant' our belongings. 

Not much  is 'planted' here.  It feels somewhat chaotic to me. 

I have created this.   I can choose to secure my stuff in a more proper, easier fashion.  I can choose to look at how to better use the smaller space that I am unaccustomed to.  But, nooooo.   I create this anxiety on my own.  I know there is positivity in a smaller place - definitely easier to clean. 

I am inviting the cleaners to come.  I am choosing to have it decluttered before they get here.  This being human is so much less fun for me than being connected to the spirit soul. 

So, as I sit here writing wishing I could just feel less anxious without participating, I know this is not the case for me.   I know that if I sit here, STOP, breathe, relax my body and perhaps, even ask myself if this will matter 5 years from now...  Ha, this won't even matter 5 hours from now!!!

And, I'm walking around breathing heavy, back hurting and mind unfocused.  Egad

So, I tell myself I trust myself to be okay no matter how this day unfolds.  I open my heart and feel the truth.  I decline and change the voices in my head that have me feeling like a lunatic!  lol

I am okay just as I am.  I will know what to do when the time comes to do it.  I am safe and loving in this moment and I walk on from here.

I have this.   I was born to have this!

May you know you were born to 'have this' and you have everything in you to move onward, upward and forward from here. 

Living

What comes to me today -- is to LIVE INSIDE OUT.

I read 'love yourself inside out' and, yes, this resonated with me.

This is what we are learning to do.  This is what our purpose is here to BE.   The people that do live at least part(s) of themselves inside out are the ones that seem to be most happy; most successful, most with the flow of life shining their light that is connected to them sometime, perhaps, around birth.  If something inside of you wants to come out through your greatest truth and love, may you resist no more. 

Live the light within without.  No judgment; only support and love.

To get to know what is on the inside -- one way is to be still and listen; be still and feel;  be still and respond.  When I was busy doing everything but be still - there were still signs, voices, and feelings that were present.   I chose, perhaps, not to see, listen or feel what was going on with me. 

I now have been seeing, listening and feeling a great deal.  Perhaps, it is time for me to get a little busy going on. 

Perhaps, the balance of both is what creates the human lifetime we are here to live and which creates out best of self.

We move forward.  We create anew.   We let go.  We hold on.  We support and we do our best.

May you live inside out, if only for a day...  Try YOU (on) this way.   You are worth the experiment.  Someone in the world just may need the experience of you living this way.  You can always go back to living the inside in anytime you choose.

Live You - all of you just as you are.  May you let love.   May you know gentleness. 

                                                      Unknown

Where I'm At

I have no clue where I am at! 

I am hoping I am deep in the situation of "When it feels like life is falling apart, it may actually be falling into [a better] place."    I surely feel like my life is apart in many ways...  slow, long, arduously so.  How wonderful that I can have these lessons... I think!

I am in a contained apartment when I was once in an open 'castle'.  I am looking for a new home in a land that I knew I wanted to live in since I was 19 years old.  I am trading up cars and not sure which size is best (if we all 'should' have this problem, right).  I am standing by as my daughter opens her wings to fly.  I am allowing my husband to do his brilliantness as I engage in finding my truest of self.  I still have much I have to sell and change up in my northern neck of the woods.  I have much here that I want to settle into. 

I am being pulled towards the gym at the location where I want to live.  I am being pulled towards a yoga studio which is close by as well.  I want a profession.  I want to support others to struggle less.   I want to be independent again; while being married.  Do I know how...  Only time will tell.

So, while may avenues are wide open expansive endless roads just now, it can be very exciting.   I can also find myself feeling a 'freak out' coming on if I want to choose that as well.  Which avenue(s) will I take... 

My health is decent!  I have no ulcerations on my fingers.  My skin feels a bit more loose and it doesn't hurt when I hit something by accident with my hands.  My hands and fingers feel stronger.   I'm getting leaner and getting to know my waist.  It is becoming one with me instead of on the 'outs'.  lol

I sit in the eye of the hurricane as best I can.  I dance in the rain as best I can.  I come from love and an open heart as best I can.  I don't tell myself every day that I am crazy.  It may be down to once a week just now!  lol

My head and neck have much electricity and energy around them.  The flow of same is not inside where I think I want it to be.  And, I'm cackling on.  I'm cackling randomly as I find my place.  What is inside of me, I speak out.  I'm feeling sorry to my husband and daughter and anyone else in my world.  I must be a challenge to participate with.

I am not where I was by a long shot.   I am so close to where I am going.   I am where I am and I'm okay with it on a large scale.   On a small scale I want to run, pretend, hide, and freak out.   What I am doing is walking through with trust, love, openness and I am branching out further each day.  My next chapter of my life is just around the corner.  It is very exciting.  It is tougher to be more 'mature' and 'aware' going forward.  It was easier to be young and living from the seat of my pants so to speak.  And, with this maturity, I look at the possible bigger picture while making decisions as I am still feeling my way.  I go forward with the truth of today; what is in front of me and inside of me today.  I don't live as I'm in the past.  I don't consume my time with what is in front of me just now.  I am enough with what I am doing even if it is sitting on the couch and watching entertainment on TV.   I am enough with what I am if I'm standing in the wind.   I am enough if I'm eating what I want in the moment.   I am enough if I'm touching my toes.  I am enough if I'm writing these words.  I am; therefore, I am enough.

May you know that you are enough just as you live today.  Whatever is in your life; whatever you are thinking, feeling, being and doing just now, You are enough.  You can decide where you want to go from here.  You can decide who you want to be from here.  You can decide how you want to feel from here.  You can decide who you want to do you with.   You are truly in charge of your own going forward.  We are truly in charge of our own present circumstance.  Ouch and Ooooh 

If it feels like someone else has brought us here --  it couldn't happen without our permission; whether out loud or by just living the way life has taken us.  If you are kidnapped and held against your will; this is horribly different.  However, your will to see everything just as you see it is totally in your control.  Spooky and Magnificent.

There is ALWAYS a part inside of YOU that is ALIVE and wants to thrive, live, and DO YOU.  May you choose this part as often as possible.  From moment to moment, may you 'settle in' to where you choose to find yourself.  Ugh, the reality of this...   Hard one to grasp.  AND, hard one not to grasp...

May you GRASP YOU and live and LET U BE from moment to moment.   How many 'be's' can we have in a day.... Too many to count.  plus then we wouldn't be letting it be... or would we?  Yikes.

My wish is for you to bring YOU wherever you are...  the truth of YOU is more magnificent that anything else in your life...  just maybe.

Exercise !

Wow.  I am excited that I have a post called 'exercise'.  lol   It, perhaps, has been a long time coming..back.

I was walking the dogs (can you tell I do much of my thinking while walking the dogs) and I thought there is, perhaps, a stigma to this word... for me anyway.

Exercise (dictionary.com)

1. bodily or mental exertion, especially for the sake of training or improvement of health: Walking is good exercise.

2. something done or performed as a means of practice or training: exercises for the piano. 

3. a putting into action, use, operation, or effect: the exercise of caution. 

4. a written composition, musical piece, or artistic work executed for practice or to illustrate a particular aspect of technique.

 

Sometimes, I think of exercise as 'not fun' or 'hard work' or 'a must'...  I don't feel as happy about it then!  When I think of exercise as 'moving', 'waking up', or 'enjoyable' and/or 'loving' it feels much better 'on' me.

 

Some days to get myself to go to the gym - I think 'I'll just go and do a wee bit and see where I end up.'  Sometimes I end up just moving for one half hour with moderate intensity.  With this same thought, I sometimes end up exerting myself with everything I have in me.  And, of course, there is everything in between these two extremes.  But the 'secret' is that I get there.  I do something, regularly. 

 

Mr. Covert Bailey used to talk about how the body 'bets' that the we will not move it regularly.  That we will not continue on so it acts accordingly... which is slow metabolism and sluggish behavior.  Once the body realizes that this IS going to be a regular thing and we need it to respond and strengthen overall, the body will respond with burning more calories, with it's ability to withstand more movement through endurance, cardiovascular, muscle strength, and flexibility.  Our bodies are amazing.  Our bodies are machines.  When we use it through breathing heavier, faster motion, heavier lifting and deep letting go, it responds and acclimates pretty quickly. 

 

I remember being in the gym a very long time ago and saying to the person next to me - 'oh, there has to be an easier way' and she said 'at least there is a way'...  I got excited.  She was correct!  At least there is a way!

 

May you know (and do) 'your way' to give your body the gift of the 'exercise' that best makes you happy.  Happy on!

 

                                                        Unknown

 

Fall Back

Even though most of us put our clocks back one hour today, my life seems to have much 'movement' in it.  Many, if not most, of 'my' people have things going on in their life; big life altering things.

I'm looking at houses while holding an open house; I'm looking at car options for myself and office options for my husband and... options, options everywhere.

There is much change happening in and all around us.  I know we feel it more at times than at other times.  I know life is always changing.

I'm hoping I know when it is time to accept the change, create the change, be with the change, speak my truth of the change and change my own thoughts about the change.

I'm hoping I know when to fall back, move forward, let go, hold on, create anew, stick with the old, etc. etc.

I'm feeling a bit in a hurricane just now and my mind is still not settling on any one particular focus.

I know I am open to love.  I am open to openness.  I am open to truth.  Many are so courageous just now as they become more and more aware of their own truth and that we are the only ones responsible for same.

If I'm making sense just now - I guess this message is for you.   If I am not making sense, disregard and forgive me.

May you know when it is time to make sense of something and when it is time to just be with it until a better clarity shows itself.  egad

Challenges

What makes a challenge a challenge...   Is it that we want something so bad, we can create a sadness or frustration around it until we get it.  And, if we do not achieve it, do we tell ourselves that we are wrong or not good enough or a loser...  Can it be that we want something we don't really need today or now or maybe ever...  Or is it that we don't want something that is in our life that is and when we go against the grain of same, we are challenged...

Where I'm going with this I have no idea.  I may be coming to the end of this blog as I have nothing much more to offer.  I do feel myself slowing down writing and knowing of anything more to share.   

We are where we are and when we accept this, embrace it, and/or just be with it, life is as it's easiest, perhaps.  When we want someone to be different, a situation to be better or a situation not to be our truth when it is... this creates the drama, the chaos, the troubled feelings.

I am learning that being in an apartment at age 50 has nothing to do with the age.  It was only my mindset that resisted it.  There is a lot of ease living in an apartment.  If a light bulb burns out on the ceiling, I call 'the man'.  The smaller unit is easier to keep clean.  I don't feel so responsible for having everything in it's proper place because I know it's temporary for me.  There are no grounds to take care of.  It is a simpler, easier life in many ways.

Having a larger roof over my head and one that I am responsible for ..  I am in more control of it's layout and its set up.  I come home to a place that is totally mine and I can do with it what I will.  There is beauty in this.  I've lived in a condo that I owned and had ease of care.  Living under my parents roof was extremely easy as far as taking care of things but I couldn't surround myself with things I love the way I would choose to have it.  The layout was not mine and my comfort was in their hands.  Many roofs, many options. 

May you accept each 'roof' that you find yourself under.  May you see, know, feel, do and breathe the ease and love that is possible in each circumstance.  May you be grateful for the roof and be aware of challenges that can be lessened just by choosing to change your thoughts about them. 

Could it be this easy...   I don't know.   And, I am so willing to 'play' it out.  I am worth it to do so.   You are worth it to do so.

Just for now, may you allow yourself to be challenge-free.  You can always go back to feeling challenged anytime you want.  Hmm

May we honor the beauty in life and in each other.

                                                     Unknown