Be U: Dense

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, March 25, 2019

Dense

It feels like there is a dense-ness in the air for me just now. A dense-ness that feels heavy and makesd it hard to for me to breathe. I have the pain management office tomorrow and it is most likely because of how I feel about this and the experiences I have witnessed, endured and transmuted through. I don't do a very good job with peace even thinking about this. It is all about the drugs. I'm not sure any one of the several people that I see know much of my story. It is more about signing forms that I'm not distributing or getting narcotics from/to any other source. It is about them counting what I have currently in my possession and me initialing my agreement to this count. It is not fun for me. It is quite the opposite. My blood pressure rises and I feel like something is on my back as opposed to some one having my back. A big fat UGH. Note: There are nice people at this office. It is the circumstances, the laws and the way of life here just now.

I hear myself saying that if this doesn't heal me because I dislike it so, then I'm not sure anything will. And, I've always believed that I can be healed of this. I have had moments, days, weeks and even months where my body is not attacking itself. For this reason, I believe if I just find the right niche, my body will choose to stay this supportive way. When I was pregnant is the best time for this remission. I felt great. And, I took the best, most loving care of myself because I was growing a wee little human inside of me. What a miracle.

How do I change what I don't like... I think the better, more productive, question could be how can I accept what I cannot change... Another Ugh. I don't want to have to deal with pain management. I'd like to go back to my rheumatologist who did it all for me. Administered pain medicine, took my vitals, listened to my heart, listened to all my 'crazy' and interesting experiments for healing and sent me for blood tests. Pain management that I go to now offers the drugs, takes my blood pressure. A blood pressure that has been high on enough occasions only to offer nothing to help it.

Yes, it is up to me. If I know it has been high, it is best if I make the appointment and do what needs to be done. I am tired. I am so tired. I am being stubborn as my treatment is not the way I want it to be. This tiredness and stubbornness is not helping me.

May you realize what you are doing that is not helping you and may you open to a new way of 'doing' so that what you do does help, support and gives you the feeling of loving yourself.

"Don't do as I do, do as I say" comes to mind. saying unknown

I want to tap in and have the strength, courage and knowledge to do; to perform, in my best interest.

May you let go of any dense-ness that is weighing you down and tap into Your strength, courage and knowledge to do; to perform, in Your best interest.

Oh yeah.

Breathe and take a really good step to stand up for yourself. In this, perhaps, we can all share empowerment. Booyah.

May we change our brick walls into strong brick houses that protect us and stand for us! Ha.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!