Where I'm At

Hello.  I hope this post finds you in a happy and/or content place and I hope that you are meeting life as it shows itself and presents itself to you.

I am learning that when I fight what is, turmoil ensues.   When I accept what is, I can be more true and come from a calmer place to meet life more easily as it shows itself to me.  

There are many things that happen in our lives that we don't go looking for.  They were not even on our radar, so to speak.  And, yet, as we stand in the moment, life happens and 'stuff' shows up and presents itself as completely unexpected.

Sometimes, the unexpected is a delight and better than what we were hoping for.  Other times, it is not delightful at all and feels completely challenging.

When we accept what we see, feel, know and experience and bring the truth of what and how we experience same, we can create the best possible path forward from the truth of who we are.  This is what seems to work most smoothly and vicariously in place of fighting it and becoming overwhelmed and going forward from a false, untrue place. False, untrue things often come from fear.  True things usually come from love.   

Through our false and untrue place, we scatter the reality of what is and open doors that wouldn't open if we showed up in our truth.

Truth does set us free.  We are living in truth whether we declare we are or not.  What is happening is true.  It is how we choose to see it that makes it true or not.  

Oh, I'm getting in deep here and it is unexpected (sort of - ha).  I just sit at the computer and put my fingers on the keyboard and see what comes.  This is what came.

It is not really where I am at...  Or it feels untrue to me anyway.  Hmmm.

What does feel true is that I feel like I'm exactly where I was when I first started this blog when scleroderma is the subject.  Yet, in reality; to bring reality present, this is untrue.  Yes, I am still living with this dis-ease.  I am not living with it in the same way as I was in 2010.  

I have a lot less energy; loud and clear.  I respond to my need for sleep and rest more than I did.  I am a lot less active out in the world.  And, what comes to mind is that even though it looks and feels like I am a lot less active, it certainly feels that a whole lot is going on.  Am I healing...  Is resting, quiet and solitude my healing...  Honoring my tiredness and not pushing through - is this the most effective thing I can do...  

I am so touched by how deep I have gone within.  I am astonished and amazed at how deep my depth goes.  I have been exploring my internal wisdom and 'stuff' for many, many, many years and [currently] I do not feel like I am close to the place that gives me enlightenment, wisdom, connection, peace and healing.  And, as I breathe what I type, I must be because I accept a lot more than I ever have.  I give and forgive with happiness.  I open and share.  I love.  I don't often try to change a thing in the moment.  I do often bring my truth into the situation and in doing this, the moment changes.  

I am tired.  My mind is tired.  My body is tired.  My spirit is tired.  My soul is tired.  And, if I had to guess, I would guess that there is so much tired going on because as I know my truth and desires, I am still not easily living them.  

I still don't want hands like I have.  I want to do Bikram yoga again and my fear is stopping me.  My fear of my inability is stopping me.  My heart wants it.  My mind won't bring my legs there.  Ha.  

Am I fighting with my truth...  Sure feels so.   It is extremely tiring fighting with and within one's self.  

I hear myself telling myself that this is exactly where I am supposed to be.  There is great lessons and depth right here where I am.  I still have more to learn.  This is how I am supposed to learn; right here, right now.

If I was out in the world and one person would tell me something other than what I know to be true, I would still doubt myself.  I am better than I was.  I am not where I want to be.  I am not standing strong in what is right for me.  I am not listening to the whisper of my loving inner voice or so it feels as such.   I live in false reality because I am stuck in the familiar.  I don't peak past what my heart wants to do.  

And, as I say this, I realize that I have gone on adventures with girlfriends.  I do connect with people constantly supporting the strength of others.  I do love the feeling I get when another feels less frustrated within their own life.  I love helping others to be the magic of their true self.  And, I hide.  I hide for fear of not being enough.  I hide for fear of being so different.  I hide in fear of failing.  I hide because what if I do get caught in my unable-ness.

But, what if I fly...  Wouldn't that be something else...  That would be fun.  That would be real.  That would be the real me.

So, as I resist all of these truths inside of me, I am still living in this truth.  However, it seems that the false truth is always knocking.  

Which doors will I answer.  I do not know.  All I can say is stay tuned if you want.  And, what I really want is ...

May you stay tuned to what you feel, know and are experiencing.  Stay tuned to what you are wishing for.   Stay in tune with your breath and your own heart beats.  Stay in tune with your challenges.  Stay in tune with all that you are.

Walk forward; stay still; live you...   As we all do this the best we can and support each other to do the same...  we create the best possible version of heaven on earth.  

May you respect where you are and respect yourself.  Love on from right where you are.  Love IN right as you are.  Love through everything that you feel.   Love forward and come home to you again and again and again.  Even if you feel uncertain, keep coming back to the love of You.