Be U: One Step Forward; Two Steps Back

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

One Step Forward; Two Steps Back

It isn't unheard of to take one step forward and two steps back. It also isn't always fun. And it does happen.

This is where I feel I am. Stepped back. Backed on up; I say...

I am not loving how I feel. I am not experiencing feelings of freedom and ease. I am experiencing feelings of stuck-ness and stiffness.

I am uncertain what my next step (or play) to take would be most beneficial. I am not aware of a good idea or circumstance to create or open up to. I don't easily come up with options of something to try or incorporate anew into my life.

My hands are purple. My body is achy. My head is buzzing. My being is heavy. It is not my favorite place to be. And, I have been here before; many times.

I am thinking that this is life. This is my life anyway. This is also your life as you find yourself in this moment. These roads heavily travelled and less travelled are all a part of life. Some are supposed to feel better and happier than others. It is 'helpful' to know what yucky feels like to know what wonderful feels like.

We humans have a way of labeling. What if 'yucky' and 'wonderful' are just labels and the circumstances are neither. Is this a possibility in the far reaches of our minds...

What if the position(s) we find ourselves in are just a part of our journey and everything is okay. What if we are not supposed to feel 'okay' all the time.

In our okay-ness, we don't create and open to new ways. In our not okay-ness, we look to create and open to new ways.

Oh the conundrum of being human...

I could easily want to beat myself up for not being in a happier state of mind. And, that could just keep me in an unhappy state of mind. What if I would just notice what I am feeling; allow what I am feeling; go with what I am feeling; process what I am feeling and watch it leave. Our feelings always change in the current moments of time.

We can get stuck in feelings from the past but we do not have to. Especially when we process them as they arise; we feel them and let them go. We don't hold onto them. This is my most enjoyable way to display and feel my feelings. Feel them and let them go.

And, it doesn't always work. What if when it doesn't work, it is because it is not supposed to... What if it works all in divine timing...

May you let you feel, be, process whatever comes up for you. May you let it be okay when you take one step forward and two steps back.

It is just a part of life. We all do it. We all experience it. We can have a judgment and label it or we can let it be what it is. Let us be who we are.

As long as we are open to doing our best; from the most loving place available to us, in the moment, maybe it is okay.

I am the self-proclaimed guru. My life is not perfect. I am challenged. I cry. I am unhappy. I do my best to see life and feel life for what it is staying open to my own awareness.

Just what if I let these 'steps' be my dance in the moment. As I feel stuck, stay open to my stuck-ness. I know that I will eventually get unstuck. In a moment in the future, I will be taking big leaps.

It is what we humans do. Stay open to knowing when the possibility of same is here to grab onto and leap. Stay open to miracles. Stay open to possibilities showing themselves. Stay open to trying anew. Stay open to things that you have tried in the past and didn't work then. Stay open.

Staying alive and dancing onward just may be the best thing we can do. Breathing might be enough in some moments.

You will reach mountaintops. You have in the past and you will again.

It is how we humans journey through life.

May you not be so hard on yourself. May you believe in the journey that shows itself to you. May you believe in the path that you are currently experiencing.

May you trust the process of life and trust yourself that you will know when you are supposed to know. In the meantime, see and feel the beauty that is present in your life. It is always there. Sometimes, we just have to look a bit more strenuously to see it.

May you know the beauty of you. May you experience the beauty of you. May you believe in the glorious journey that is yours just now.

You may be in a learning phase. You may be in an experiencing phase. You may be in a doing phase. You may be in a stuck phase. You may be in a joyful phase. You certainly are in just what is and who you are.

It is all okay. Breathe and love anyway.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!