Be U: Gnarly

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Gnarly

I am not even sure what 'gnarly' means but I think it is how I am currently feeling.

I have an uselessness about me. I ache in places I haven't known one could ache. I am not allowing peace to be with myself just now.

We have been having numerous, heavy rain storms. The thunder and lightning has put on its own show and the humidity and mosquito sighting and biting has been numerous.

My mind is in a dark place as it doesn't really feel like being involved in every day in and day out life. It doesn't want mundane. It doesn't want the same way of doing things. It doesn't want abundance or to do better. I want to sit in the darkness of the storm and just enjoy it. I don't want to tell myself that it is not okay to be here. I don't want to fight. I don't want to think badly of myself. I don't want to hear that I am a failure or I am failing. I don't want to push to get beyond this.

I want to sit in this and love myself through. It truly is all that I feel like doing.

I feel sad and sorry for people around me as I am sure it is not easy for them to see me like this and they want me to feel different. As they feel good, they feel life and they want to bathe in the light. They want to bring me along with them.

Perhaps, as you do you and they do them and I do me, we can still stay connected and loving. We can all experience what life is showing us to experience. Just maybe we are exactly where we are supposed to be.

What if life is not so much about constant thriving and pursuing. Perhaps, it is more about fulfillment and truth. I think life is whatever is inside of one's self and whatever we can relate our inner world to our outer world as.

I loved hiking, helicopter rides and great hotels once upon a time. I loved the adventure of the adventure. This is a different kind of adventure life is showing me now and I can easily see where I could choose shame and unworthiness. But why... Why can I not choose to love my all-ness anyway even if this type of me is what I have been running from for a long time... The type that enjoys the solitude and the un-doing of one's self...

May you not run from anything that is yours to feel. May you feel through everything that shows itself to you and be true and whole in and during it all.

Perhaps, this is what fulfilling is. It is taking the feel good with the feel yucky with the feeling of neutrality.

We humans embody it all. Get on with your human self and embody and embrace the awesome and the gnarly that is you and that is your life. Touche and I honor the paradox of your life and mine.

Namaste and Blessings.

Dance and know stillness.

Live and experience life as it is. It is everything, anything and nothing... just maybe.

I trust the process of life and I trust myself to know what to do when it is the time for me to do and to be.

Our breath is what carries our life. It is natural. It is innate. It is supportive.

Gnarly - "Slang. distasteful, distressing; offensive" (dictionary.com)
Thesaurus - cool, individual, offbeat, peculiar, separate, diagnostic

May you listen to what is inside of you and feel the experience of living from the greatest place of love inside of yourself.

If you don't like the way you feel, wait just a bit, it will change... We always change. Life is ever changing.

What a journey we are all participating in and learning from and bearing witness to...

May you feel your breath, heart and innate knowing as fully as possible. Let the uniqueness of YOU be, do, grow and live on.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!