Evening

Evening may be my favorite time of day tonight.  It is dark and beautiful weather.  It is comfortable and there is not a lot of the day left to be doing too much.  I can turn off and relax into the night.

I'm beat up.  I overwork my hands, my body and my mind as I move into my new house and create our new home. 

To find a light switch, to find an outlet, to lock the doors, to remember where the shower is and the toilet room....  It is quite the hoot.  Where did I put the dishes, the pens, the scissors and the dog food.   Where do I put the recyclables and where do I store the holiday boxes.

As I have two chairs for the one office desk, which one do I use. 

I am doing my best to put 9,000 sq. ft. of houses into one home that is less than 3,000 sq. ft.  I'm downsizing.  I'm simplifying.  I'm creating more ease.  I'm being tested on my ability to let go. 

Where do I put the cat litter box...  Where do I put the bird...  

How do I use the oven; the washer, the stove top.  Where are the air conditioning units that I'd like to put good air filters in...

Hoot.  It is quite the hoot.   I have created and decorated a few homes, this is my hardest.  Or so it seems.

I know it is the right thing for myself and my family.  None of us know how to do this as we have never done it before.  I do feel blessed that I lived so 'full'.   I am struggling because the change is big.  It is what I want.  It is what I'm open to.  So, I walk on and 'ache' while I let go of pictures, plates, and furniture that brought me so much joy.  It is really not the 'stuff', it is the memories attached to the 'stuff'. 

I realize that I can keep the memories in my heart and let go of the stuff.  I send it out into the world with love hoping others will have wonderful times making memories with this 'stuff'. 

I'm discombobulated and tired.   I'm thrilled and tried.  I'm happy and sad. 

Such is the human gamut of emotions and feelings.

May you allow yourself to experience the gamut of emotions and feelings that are being presented to you as you walk through the life that you created.  Love yourself through.  Trust the process and trust yourself to be okay as you breathe through each situation you find yourself 'visiting'.

Amen.  Alleluia,  Please let peace, possibility and potential of each situation guide you to your destiny that is within you and bring it without to live all that you are now, today, as your fullest, most awesome self.  Boo-yah!

Miserable

I didn't want to come 'here' as I'm moody, miserable, irritable and cranky.  I don't want to share this part of me.  I'm not sure I know how.   I'm going to type and see what comes up.

I'm sulking because I am looking for new doctors to take on 'my case' of ill health and pain; a diagnosis of scleroderma.

I have had the same doctor for 30 years and another for 15 and as they are 1200 miles away now, I need to replace, restart and refresh my connection to new professionals -- to look at my symptoms with new awareness and new information, perhaps. 

Just making the phone calls makes me angry.  I guess I am mad that I have to still search for help in trying to feel better, stronger. 

I wanted to be 'healed' by now.  My truth is that I am not.

I hurt.  I get dizzy.  My energy level is low.  My desire to accomplish anything is questioned.  My ability to do 'enough' is frustrating me as I judge myself. 

So, I guess I am sulking.  So, I will sit in my sulk; walk around in my sulk; be with my sulk as best and as true as I can.

I don't even want to be with me.  !

Yesterday, I thought I was 'good' at not letting things bother me.   Well, today, it is another story! 

'Momma told me there would be days like this'....  Yikes.

May you embrace your feelings that you don't want to feel and breathe in and out from the depth of them.  I believe it is worth a shot to see where it brings us.

I embrace my 'sulk' as best I can. 

Achy Breaky

The temperature has dropped 20 degrees.  My body knows this.  I feel an uncomfortableness through my body.  I am so used to this feeling.  I usually don't welcome it.  Today, I feel like I am welcoming it.  I have no clue why.  I'm not liking it, but I am welcoming it.

The muscles feel like they are tense and tired.  My hands are not purple.  This is different news.  The achiness is so loud.  My thoughts go to taking a pain pill so I don't have to feel it.  And, it has been all morning and I have not taken enough to not feel it.  I have taken little. 

I am so very torn between taking medicine for the quiet, numbing affect and feeling what I feel.  Does the medicine make me feel things I don't want to feel...  Is it scleroderma making me feel certain ways... 

I no longer know.  To get help in deciphering this has been impossible for me.  I will still look for guidance and professional advice. 

I live in a world where the people that dispense medicine know the medicine is my best path.  The people that want to do alternative ways guide me into herbs, meditation, inner knowing.   I am uncertain which works for me as I've tried much and I still ache when it gets cold, especially so quickly.

So, what is a woman to do.  I walk on.  I breathe through.  I stay open to finding my best path as I live the path that is here for me to live.

Confusion is prevalent.  To continue to reach out and still be pained is difficult for me currently. 

I am where I am and I do what I do.  I love on and through and out and in.  It is all I know in this moment. 

May you be who you are in this moment.  May you connect to the love that is you.

                                                                Unknown

Download

I believe I'm getting a 'universal download' just now.  I believe I am, along with many people that I know.  I believe that you may be in the process of receiving the same as well.

By download, I mean, chaos, interruptions, being led to pay more attention to things, connecting more to our own truth, being brave enough to share this truth and feeling/thinking/being/walking into unknown territories as they present themselves to us as our true self.

Feelings in the body that may be unpleasant want our attention.  Feeling emotions and not sure what to do with them as I don't want to send them away or ignore them anymore.  Feeling like a shift in our lives may be taking place. 

Sometimes, it's about having way more information than I want and, sometimes, not being able to think clearly.  Way too much information going on up in here...!

I truly do not know.  I do believe that life IS different and this difference is, perhaps, the best time ever to build/create the life we want to live going forward from the inside out.

May you build your life that you want to live going forward from your inside out.  May you use all the 'tools' you have available to you and, creatively, 'be' the life you want to live.

                                                     Unknown

Fear

"Fear is a natural reaction we have when moving closer to the truth."  Pema Chodron

While I am noticing fear less and less in my life just now, I am noticing challenges, change and action into what propels me forward.

I do believe as we get closer to living and sharing our true self, fear does get louder (perhaps) because 'ego' wants to keep us where we are.  We (even though we may not like it)  know that we can live through what we are living through because we are doing such.

With change; the unknown, we are not quite as certain.  We are unsure if we can survive in different circumstances; different areas; different careers; different relationships; different thinking patterns ONLY because we have not done so.

I'm here to voice that YES WE CAN.  YES, we can survive in all kinds of circumstances, climates, changes, patterns, relationships, careers, etc.   YES WE CAN.   YES YOU CAN.

We survive until we do not.  We may as well thrive as best we can today.  Let go of the outside and inside 'noise' that is unhelpful.  If you find your mind going 'there' and it doesn't feel 'right', let your mind rest on what feels 'right'.  Breath is always right.  (just saying)

How do we know the difference -- does it feel real...  Is this what your circumstance truly is just now....  Do you know 100% for certain that this is the truth....

Go where you know reality, your true reality lies...   Breathe, feel and own your grandness through.  My hope is that we do not let anger, fear, or hurt put a false mask/cover on our life any more. 

I can only be open to achieving this in every breath I take.

May you achieve peace within so peace without is possible.

Cranium

My head is tingly.  My mind is dizzy.  My thoughts are incomplete.  My eyes are blurry.   My heart is deciding between open and closed today as every member of my family find their own way through the turmoil of boxes all over the home.  

I sit here with my bird, a lovely yellow cockatiel named 'Sunshine', chirping for me as she can not see me and it is close to her bedtime where I cover her cage with a light sheet.  She is calling for me to give her attention. 

...She was whistling non-stop so I went to her and gave her what she wants.  She is now quiet and, I suppose, happy!  Hoot.

It is quite cool here.  There is a slight chill in the air and it invigorates and enlivens me.  To know that it is cool and, yet, a long, cold, dreary winter is not around the corner is one of the greatest gifts I can give myself.  I have arrived!  Yes!

I still am surrounded by disorganization and change and I know that I am perfectly okay and on my right path. 

Never has it taken me so long to settle in to a house.  And, I feel in no hurry to have everything in its place.  I am honoring the change and my inability to process it all quickly.  Another great gift I give myself.  Woo hoo!

We turn the clock back tonight as in 'Fall back'.  It is now 6:22 p.m.  Tomorrow this time it will be 5:22 p.m.  Strange.  And it just is because a group of people get together and say it is so and a larger group of people accept it as so.   Does time really matter in the big scheme of things... 

Our world has grown and changed so greatly over the last few years because of the internet and the ability to connect to each other.  We contact people we never ever would've before this.  We are never alone.  There are very few places to hide.  When this part of the world ripples, it is now more apparent that the opposite side of the world ripples too and vice versa.  The information that is at our fingertips is astounding. 

We grow forward; together.  We support and 'grow on'.

May we live our best lives yet and live the full life that is inside of us to live.

                                                     Unknown

Knowing Nothing

It has been (what feels to me) a long time since I have posted.  I come with an empty mind and full heart. 

The weather has gotten cooler and it is more alive and less stagnant.  It is a wee bit crisp and lighter.  The skies are more blue and the greenery against it is beautiful as I look up at the dancing fronds of the palm and coconut trees that I love to watch.

My house is in small chaos with boxes all around again as I unpack the last round of my 'stuff'.  My hands are so sensitive I choose to only do a wee little bit at a time.  If it isn't easy, I'm letting it sit.  I do not have the drive or desire to continue to completion just now.  So, I sit in small chaos.  My human brain allows me to ignore it because I choose to. 

It is amazing how our human brains can ignore and/or not pay attention to things we choose.  The saying that there is an elephant in the room and no one talks or deals with it...  most of us humans are pretty good at letting it sit dormant and out of our thoughts. 

I had some "Be U" tank shirts made for my own enjoyment and I am enjoying them.   A rainbow of colors. 

I did not know fear about the upcoming winter weather this year!  Huge for me!  and peaceful.  I so love not having to think so much about fighting the elements of the cold weather, darkness and snow.  I am where I belong.  I know gratitude for this.  Peace is on inside of me where the weather is concerned.

I have all my fountains going in various parts of my home and I enjoy the flow of water and the sound of it trickling down stones, over crystals and through man made rock. 

The bird loves being out on the patio and the dogs love walking in the neighborhood as much as I.  My cat seems very content as well.  We are creating a home. 

We are one - my family and I and we are supporting each other to live our best lives individually; together as best we can for today.  We have made a pact to do so. 

We are settling in, albeit the hardest 'settle' I've experienced as far as moving into a home goes.  And, it is okay.

My beautiful home up north is still for sale and it weighs heavy.  I pray for a perfect buyer to come and love it as much as I did.  Can't make this stuff up....  So, I pray and wait and know that everything will work out in the time it is supposed to.  Even as I feel challenged with this, I trust it is where I'm supposed to be; what I'm supposed to experience. 

Wherever and whatever you are in your life,

May you know and trust that it is all for your higher good of the big picture of your life and you are always okay.

If you are great, may you enjoy every breath in one of the peaks in your life.  If your not feeling as fortunate just now, breathe every breath knowing that you are creating another peak and during this 'down time', it is your greatest opportunity to do so.  And so it is...

I wish you all 'inner knowing' and living your life from the inside out through love; together.

                                                         Unknown