Be U: 5 or Elder

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, June 15, 2021

5 or Elder

Today I worked with a terrific coach. How lucky and blessed I feel.

I was feeling mentally tired at the top of the session. I shared this. I have gotten very good at sharing what pops into my mind and listening, feeling and discussing same. It seems to offer the most authentic outcome possible.

Before I knew it, I was talking about discomfort and not being relaxed during what I would consider relaxation time. She helped guide me to the first time I felt this way and if I knew why.

I knew that I was approximately 5 years old and yes, I knew why. I believed that my relaxing was not relaxing for my elders. I believed that me being me was not seen or heard, and maybe even worse, that the few times I was seen/heard, I found myself feeling like a nuisance because of the reaction(s) I received. I received more positive feedback from standing and doing rather than laying and relaxing. I yearned more and more for positive feedback. I shied away from disappointing and/or, what felt to me, negative feedback.

She had me laying on the couch at five years old (in my mind's eye). She had me standing somewhere in the same room at 5 years old. I immediately felt a huge difference between the two and knew that this is when I decided to shut a part of myself down as not to hurt anyone not being aware of the long lasting effect it would have on me.

I do believe that this was my destiny, my experience, my life lesson. They always are. I created this in myself for a reason. This was supposed to be my reaction and belief to create the lessons learned (and still learning) for the process of my life.

I want to change this up for me now as an elder myself.

My goal is to notice that when this feeling of discomfort with relaxing shows up -- when I care more about another's thought than my own -- feeling a desire for a more positive feeling/belief to show up for myself. To stay in the awareness of the uncomfortable feeling showing up. For now, I am open to notice and feel it. Acknowledge it. Not judge it.

Man, the depth of each of us is never ending. So, the possibilities of us must be never ending as well.

This is definitely good news. This can feel like not so good news.

It is great to be aware. Without awareness, change, most likely, is much harder to accomplish.

May we all stand within ourselves with awareness of ourselves without judgment. Feel it all. Everything coming up, going through and processing.

In this, we grow.

May You grow.

Understanding and living in awe of the human and spiritual body, mind and soul is such a delight for me. It can, sometimes, feel very far from easy. It is never impossible.

Living through the truth of myself is fulfillment and contentment.

May you live through the truth of yourself and may you create and feel your own fulfillment and contentment in doing so.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!