Having Trouble

I'm having trouble posting with my dad in the hospital fighting for his life, all alone and very sick.  Horrendous is the only word that comes to mind.

The nurse last night said she'd hate for me to come all the way down there and he not know who I am.  I very much dislike the fact that I've held many a dying person's hand and I am not there for the man who gave me birth.

He never wanted me in his life in any big way.  He always ran and pushed me away.  Of course, this is how I feel; I don't know what he really felt or thought.  I only know he wasn't reachable for the longest time and when he was, briefly, he disappeared again.  The last few years we have talked on the phone and he still wanted to be like an "island" and do his own thing in his own way.

He can no longer do this and I'm lost as what or where I would be best in his life as it is now.  I am in turmoil and as much that there is a part of me that wants to reach out to him; there is the same amount of me that wants to keep the status quo.

How dare I do this.  How dare I not do this.  I seriously find it hard to breathe and I just want him to not suffer and to know I care and other than sit with him; his life is still out of my hands.

I see myself going and disconnecting him from everything he is connected to and give him the freedom that he has fought and ran most of his entire life to achieve.  Not knowing how to care for all his ailments scares me.  Leaving him stuck to a hospital bed scares me too.

I am asking for a sign as to where God wants me to be.  One minute I know I am going; the next I am staying put.

Oh, I have a great ability to drive myself crazy for sure.  I did not put myself in this situation; or did I.  I must have or I wouldn't be here, yes. 

I am grateful for the people celebrating life; celebrating Christmas; sharing joy with the world and each other.  I am sorry that it's not in my heart to make this a priority and I am sort of accepting that this is my truth and that it must be my truth for a reason.

I will celebrate Jesus' birthday.  I do celebrate my family, friends and loved ones.  I celebrate in my heart, soul and inner knowing that it is okay to not pretend my life is something that it is not. 

I am in pain.  I am sad.  I am not understanding that life and living can feel so cruel.  I still know joy in love; I still know love in people; I still know that I'm okay even though it doesn't feel so easily.

May you allow yourself to feel your pain and still also know joy.  We humans feel it all.

This just may be good news and bad news (to feel pain and also still know joy).    Or can it just be.... so it is....