I was up some of the night worried and concerned; scared even because of my experiences with the center from the beginning about 5 months ago. I felt my blood pressure increasing this morning as I was getting ready for the appointment. I heard myself saying words like horrific and evil.
I heard myself connecting to my discomfort with taking pain medicine and feeling like a criminal with the doctors counting my current amount of pills to make sure I am taking the allotted amount. Having to sign a monthly form saying I am being honest, I am not selling drugs and I am not getting them from any other physician feels degrading.
I realized, after the appointment, that I felt more like I was looked at as a pill popper than a patient with scleroderma.
My experience was that they would not budge on the amount distributed to me. I was told I wasn't allowed to take more than what was dispensed. It didn't matter and they didn't want to hear that I had more intense pain ever.
I discussed that I am more comfortable with having something like a 'security blanket' of a few extra pills as I never know when I would have a flare up. She told me to stop thinking about it and it didn't matter. If it happens, come in. By then, it is my fear, that the pain will have a horrible hold on me.
I told her that I hear that she is not interesting in helping me with a 'security blanket' and if it cannot be pain meds, what would she suggest I use to alleviate intense or extra pain. She told me to mediate and put ice on it. Yikes!.!
Ice for a person with scleroderma... Cold is not a friend... She told me to breathe deep. I advised her that I breathe deep all the time.
She then asked me for the 6 Hysingla that I had left over from last month, that I paid out of pocket for and she destroyed them in front of me. She had me sign a paper that she did this. I told her I felt like writing on it that it felt like it was against my will, can I not keep these for backup. She said one or the other. I cannot have both Norco and Norco extended release.
I was not a happy camper leaving there and I certainly didn't feel like I was being heard as a patient. I totally felt like I was only a pill popping thing.
I think it is wonderful that this may help getting pills off of the street and out of hands that could hurt their owners in many different ways.
I do not think it is wonderful that a person with real issues and dis-ease could be treated so inhumanely.
They take my blood pressure but do nothing about a high blood pressure reading. They took my oxygen level from one of my disformed fingers. Today was the first appointment that the tester told me it was a low reading. Nothing done or offered about that either. Double Yikes.!
I still think, perhaps, it is the universe's way of telling me to stop the pain meds. I still think I can find healing. I still feel fear in the chance of getting terrible pain and running out of the medicine that my body is so dependent on. From my past pain experiences, I am still not letting go (I realize).
What is a woman to do....
I called a new doctor this morning that a friend from down here knows and admires. His office told me they couldn't help me and referred me to a new rheumatologist.
My saga continues. We all have at least one.
I bring my truth, my trust, my strength and my never-dying will to live with me... It is sometimes very difficult. It is always something to walk through as best as I can.
May you walk through, as best as you can, whatever lessons, challenges and 'discomfort' you are experiencing. May you honor them all as to always honor yourself.
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