I have no thoughts or words that I know how to share. I have shared everything in me that I am able and know how.
I am here in this present moment and I have no big action plan.
I have no judgment.
I usually hear myself saying 'let's see what the day brings'.
I am lost between doctors and having medical guidance. I have been under one doctor's care since I was 21 (over 30 years) and, after 3 or 4 years of searching, diagnosed with 'scleroderma'.
I have a new rheumatologist appoint next week. It is my plan to go into his office with openness, open mind and a fresh start. I plan to listen to what he knows and suggests instead of going in to share what I have learned and where I have been and what I have tried.
I do feel like I have stayed mostly on top of the latest drugs and developments where this dis-ease is concerned.
I am starting fresh as this is where I find myself.
I am hurting physically and emotionally where I find myself. I'm scared and uncertain as to what, if any, 'answers' I will find.
My hands are swollen as the weather went from the 90's to the 60's in the last few weeks (these are the extremes) and my mind is frightened of the major change and loss of my connection with the Pennsylvania doctor. We have been through a lot of trying, learning, growing, healing together. I move on as I am no longer in Pennsylvania.
Much has changed in my life these past two years. I am in a different place. My house up north is still for sale so I haven't completely allowed myself to let go of what was.
That house was built with my hands and needs in mind. I now live where door knobs and locks, water spouts and nozzles and not-as-easy every day life things are present.
I know I am okay. I know I will be great. I know I will succeed. I know I will settle in.
Until then, I breathe. I do what life presents to me. I live what I create. I walk on.
May you breathe, do, create and walk on with your awesome self just as you are and just as your life is.
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