Miserable

I didn't want to come 'here' as I'm moody, miserable, irritable and cranky.  I don't want to share this part of me.  I'm not sure I know how.   I'm going to type and see what comes up.

I'm sulking because I am looking for new doctors to take on 'my case' of ill health and pain; a diagnosis of scleroderma.

I have had the same doctor for 30 years and another for 15 and as they are 1200 miles away now, I need to replace, restart and refresh my connection to new professionals -- to look at my symptoms with new awareness and new information, perhaps. 

Just making the phone calls makes me angry.  I guess I am mad that I have to still search for help in trying to feel better, stronger. 

I wanted to be 'healed' by now.  My truth is that I am not.

I hurt.  I get dizzy.  My energy level is low.  My desire to accomplish anything is questioned.  My ability to do 'enough' is frustrating me as I judge myself. 

So, I guess I am sulking.  So, I will sit in my sulk; walk around in my sulk; be with my sulk as best and as true as I can.

I don't even want to be with me.  !

Yesterday, I thought I was 'good' at not letting things bother me.   Well, today, it is another story! 

'Momma told me there would be days like this'....  Yikes.

May you embrace your feelings that you don't want to feel and breathe in and out from the depth of them.  I believe it is worth a shot to see where it brings us.

I embrace my 'sulk' as best I can.