Lost

My father's doctors told us yesterday that they now would like to perform open heart surgery.  They said looking at everything again, they think it is worth the shot to save him.  WOWZA.

I do not know how best for me to participate in this.  My heart does not know the way to go.  I am lost as to what path is best for me to take in this stage of the game.  I feel the love he has shown (or not shown) hasn't carried me far and I feel he is a human who needs love too.

Our relationship (or lack thereof) has always been on his terms.  I feel it still is.  I am able now to offer up my terms.  I'm at a lost to know exactly what my terms consist of.  Very interesting place to find oneself, indeed.

*"As they moved along, the boy tried to listen to his heart.  It was not easy to do; in earlier times, his heart had always been ready to tell its story, but lately that wasn't true.  There had been times when his heart spent hours telling of its sadness, and at other times it became so emotional over the desert sunrise that the boy had to hide his tears." 

"You will never be able to escape from your heart.  So it's better to listen to what it has to say."

"My heart is afraid that it will have to suffer"...."Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself." 

"Usually the threat of death makes people a lot more aware of their lives."*

*Excerpts from the book "The Alchemist - 10th Anniversary Edition" by Paulo Coelho

May you know your heart today.